One Of A Macabre

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meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

One Of A Macabre

#1 Post by meenas17 » 15 Jun 2018, 21:29

The way he talks,
the manner he walks,
a straightforward  foible
comparable to a rubble.

From early twenties
to the recent seventy
he behaves strange
assumes himself to be a sage.

That is his procedure,
governed by integers
the accounting practice
commensurate with his tactics

Call him what you want
his writing is of a font
one of a slant almost a crawl
while his speech is a drawl.

Cacophony is a sound
beyond the bound 
such that the voice  cracks
an echo of the duck's quack.

I can go on without a stop
decide to put a full stop
the protagonist is an evil character
a macabre and a detractor.
meenas17

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: One Of A Macabre

#2 Post by Bernie01 » 15 Jun 2018, 22:55

M---

clever, exceptional.

That is his procedure,
governed by integers
the accounting practice
commensurate with his tactics


but i want a plot. your poem does not delight and shiver me, your poem seems to request admiration, but not counsel for the broken hearted, the estranged and dumped. poetry lovers, humor and vivid new ways to look at the familiar.


some sense among the rhyme and reasoning. some photos, some imagery.

look what Dylan does:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBEU3l9sGHA


and here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFbyq2cZHgE


and here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Uj8uYejpNw

bernie

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: One Of A Macabre

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 16 Jun 2018, 15:26

I agree the poem is better served with a face on it

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: One Of A Macabre

#4 Post by meenas17 » 19 Jun 2018, 21:07

Bernie, your comment is subtle
Kenneth's harsh.
A human without a face, away from imagination.
A poem without a face beyond the impression
Well, this is how I interpret both the criticisms.
Great and mediocre keep living.
So do we.
Thanks.
meenas17

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: One Of A Macabre

#5 Post by Bernie01 » 20 Jun 2018, 02:38

M---

we met four years ago.

you wrote this poem:



The Umbilical Cord -- Invisible

A Year After

Three hours from the last one
the baby had to be fed.
Unusual of all times
the baby , Veda, slept
Maitiri, the mother was fast asleep
while the hours eloped in speed
milk from Maitiri's bosom
tripped, drop by drop.

Maitiri,slept tired and exhausted.
having stayed awake for long
The milk oozed [sign in to see URL] could feel it
poor one, could not open her eyes
fatigue being more pronounced
the motherly instincts ignored.


The flow of milk became so obvious
drenched Maitiri's blouse in the course.
she got up in a hurry. Took Veda in her arms
the child fussed over.
Maitiri shook her forcefully
Lazily, the child sucked as slow as it could
the mother could feel the ease.


The flow of milk on time
shows a speciality, a strangeness,
why does it happen?
ask anybody at random
you and I cannot reply in tune
he and they would go tangent

A leading doctor, when asked
went round in circles
with a drawl and a cough planted
ultimately gave a meaningless explanation.
A scientist of fame, when interviewed
was equally ephemeral
with a reference to the scientific formulas
came down with a dilemma
a Hamlet in the offing.

Be it to an intuition
which defies science
discards medical interpretations.
something beyond human knowledge
escapes one's control
emphasizes there is a force above
none knows the fullest
some call as God
others deem it as Nature.

Well, could be in all diligence
one of an unbound love
an unseen link between
a mother and a child
an invisible umbilical cord
an intuition unfathomable
felt considerably by everyone
be you an atheist or a believer.


and this one, too:

The marriage a year ago
where the bride and groom in slow
accepted each other in the go
after they promised to shed their ego.

They lived away from the parents
who stayed away from the children for reasons
yet there arose differences now and then
that went beyond any comprehension.

The girl did not socialize freely with her in -laws
she withdrew into a shell , that be her major flaw
refused any contacts with her husband
a character too firm to be bent.

The man wanted to preserve the marriage
he was unable to read and gauge
the attitude of the girl in a range
he camouflaged artfully the estrange.

There was no intimacy whatsoever
the girl lived on her own, a way clever
while the boy was confounded to loneliness
as no consummation happened without tenseness

The marriage has now hit the rocks
giving juicy food to people's talks
the divorce finally has been filed
the relationship so far is pretentious and beguiled.

The patience and understanding are not found
the economic liberty has laid a firm ground
the dependence is missing on the scene
which brought out an affability in deem.

I am from the age old school of thoughts
where give and take were emphatically taught
economy never came into the family's threshold
the theory stoop to conquer was the hold.

I lived so with an adjustment all through
annoyed at times furiously I flew
then softened down to the core without a show
that way I marked my existence in the flow.

My experience would fall in deaf ears, I know
as this era is known for the currency glow
where love and affection find no place
as there is a mad, mad money chase.



actually, both of these two poems of yours have plot. a story. imagery. tell me, please, a poem you admire.


bernie

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: One Of A Macabre

#6 Post by FranktheFrank » 20 Jun 2018, 17:40

Bernie thinks it is:
clever, exceptional.
Ken agrees with Bernie, that is good, yes?
and suggests a little more, hardly harsh
if you don't mind me saying so.

It's could be improved on by dropping the rhyme
in my opinon, the rhyme does little to enhance
and in fact hinders what you are trying to achieve.

best wishes with editing.

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: One Of A Macabre

#7 Post by meenas17 » 20 Jun 2018, 20:56

Frank
Rhymes do not enhance but hinder the thoughts.
They do to an extent. I use only slant rhymes.
I will redo the poem without rhymes and see how it works.

Thanks.
meenas17

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: One Of A Macabre

#8 Post by Kenneth2816 » 22 Jun 2018, 20:46

Meenas. My comment about "putting a face on it" simply meant ascribing the poem to someone specific. I recall one of your poems about an arrogant poet or professor. It was memorable because I could picture this person

As currently written, there isn't a target.

And as with all comments, the decision is yours.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: One Of A Macabre

#9 Post by Kenneth2816 » 23 Jun 2018, 00:06

Not wishing to discourage you, I'll refrain from commenting on your work.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: One Of A Macabre

#10 Post by FranktheFrank » 23 Jun 2018, 01:06

To be honest
and genuinely not wanting to flame,
but I think there is a language barrier at work here
among the posts.

Let's step back and draw a deep breath.

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: One Of A Macabre

#11 Post by meenas17 » 23 Jun 2018, 07:42

Kenneth,
I am open to criticism.
I understood that the poem lacks face. Imagine anything without this feature.
I was hurt.
You had meant otherwise, putting a face on it. To put it straight the person requires an identity.
It is gross miscommunication as Frank sees it ( language barrier).
Kind of you to have cleared the mess.
I rarely get discouraged.

Thanks,

Meena
meenas17

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