Marital Adventures

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Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Marital Adventures

#1 Post by Bernie01 » 20 Jun 2018, 03:27

V-1

My wife kisses slowly,
A fortune teller with secrets
At each turn of the cards.

I kiss back, Indian Summer
Opens for us in gold leaves
Under frail, wandering stars.

Love folds us in stupor,
We are picnickers lolled
On the grass of a city park.

She is a Courvoisier Napoleon
Running inside my brain,
Or a Dylan Thomas villanelle.

Nothing held back, glorious
The consequences to Hell,
Candles burned at both end.

Silently I send her semaphore
Like a sailor on a floundering
Ocean ship going down.



Original

My wife kisses slowly,
A fortune teller revealing
The secret limits of love.

She is a Courvoisier Napoleon
Opening in the brain pan,
Or a Dylan Thomas villanelle.

I send her semaphore
Like a floundering ocean ship
Going down.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Marital Adventures

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 20 Jun 2018, 09:35

I'm delighted by these unusual images. The association between a brandy 'opening' and a Dylan Thomas villanelle...is unexpected. I liked this stanza especially....

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Marital Adventures

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 20 Jun 2018, 17:29

Very sweet Bernie.
Look forward to the following versions.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Marital Adventures

#4 Post by Kenneth2816 » 20 Jun 2018, 19:33

2nd version. Just the right length,just the right amount of descriptions.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Marital Adventures

#5 Post by Bernie01 » 20 Jun 2018, 21:59

Guys---

the aged lion in winter, feeling romantic.


bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Marital Adventures

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 21 Jun 2018, 01:54

I love how you have developed the poem... terrific poem

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Marital Adventures

#7 Post by Bernie01 » 22 Jun 2018, 01:03

Bob---



thanks. i urge others to doggedly rewrite, took my own advice.

swallowed my own medicine.


and a little francoise hardy...her image of a ship, and others made me think.....now, she said quarter moon---thinking still about that.


https://video.search.yahoo.com/search/v ... =12jf9ltc8

bernie

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Marital Adventures

#8 Post by FranktheFrank » 22 Jun 2018, 01:54

Bernie
you have a knack for choosing
the most unusual metaphors
and they work really well.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Marital Adventures

#9 Post by Bernie01 » 22 Jun 2018, 04:52

hullo Frank---

rewriting, fussing, never satisfied:


14 May 1953
The first stage performance of Under Milk Wood, at the Poetry Center, NY. Liz Reitell recalled:

“The curtain was going to rise at 8.40. Well, at 8.10 Dylan was locked in the back room with me. And no end to Under Milk Wood. He kept saying “I can’t, I simply can’t do this.” I said “You can, the curtain is going to go up.” Strangely enough, he wrote the very end of Under Milk Wood then and there, and he wrote the lead-up to it. He would scribble it down, I would copy it, print it so that the secretary could read it, hand it to John Brinnin, and hand it to the secretary, do six copies. We all jumped in a cab finally, and got over to the theatre at half-past eight and handed out the six copies to the actors…” (Dylan Remembered Volume 2, 305)


and my hero is Dylan Thomas:


“Quite early one morning in the winter in Wales, by the sea that was lying down still and green as grass after a night of tar-black howling and rolling, I went out of the house, where I had come to say for a cold unseasonable holiday, to see if it was raining still, if the outhouse had been blown away, potatoes, shears, rat-killer, shrimp-nets and tins of rusty nails aloft on the wind, and if all the cliffs were left.” (Collected Stories, 299)


thanks form your comment.


bernie

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1168
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Marital Adventures

#10 Post by SivaRamanathan » 22 Jun 2018, 05:28

B

I like the sequence of the stanzas,and this stanza

Nothing held back, glorious
The consequences to Hell,
Candles burned at both end.

a little more than the others.Also the Dylan Thomas villenelle.

S

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Marital Adventures

#11 Post by meenas17 » 22 Jun 2018, 11:49

Unusual imagery discloses the martial adventure.
Both erotic and romantic.
Seamless sequence.
meenas17

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Marital Adventures

#12 Post by Bernie01 » 23 Jun 2018, 02:09

M---


especially appreciate the comment about sequencing.

i gave especial attention to that element of this poem.


bernie

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