My Heart Beating as Though I Expected Someone*

[Bernie01]

Revision #1

I

The ancient taxi
gnarled and dented
in the empty street.

I expect you,
wet coat, mouth red
with poems.

Scented hours.
Teeth opening into
dark pleasure.


II

Your book across
the breasts as you
recite Lord Byron.

The flute and piano
comfort our hearts
in fluid dark.

The flute, and piano
succumbed in rapt
desire.





*Gogol

[BobBradshaw]

In the first part, I love these opening stanzas(but would cut the third stanza):
The ancient taxi
gnarled and dented
in the empty street.

I expect you,
wet coat, mouth red
with poems.


In the second part I am amazed by the simple beauty of these lines:
The flute, a piano
succumbed in rapt
desire.

The closing stanza doesn't work as well as the first 2 stanzas....it feels too poetic?

[FranktheFrank]

I like the ambition.
Indefinite article instead on definite,

'An ancient Taxi'

dented and shaped

rust streaked

in a quiet backwater