Vishnu Incarnate

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Vishnu Incarnate

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 15 Jul 2018, 13:26

The hotel foyer in turmoil, Nigerian women argue
loudly about their taxi fare. I wished I had been
as brave with my Sikh driver who had scammed
me mercilessly.

Hijras smothered in kajal accost me,
I settle for one hundred rupees. Aravan, not
greedy. Oh! that the Sikh would become
her devotee. I spurned the offer of fellatio,
not wanting to see their wounded holes.

Personnel fawned. How brave to ignore
the riots and change hotels, When I spoke
of the shootings, he said,
'The Continental is so impersonal.'
We both knew he meant crooked.

Passing through crossroads, a Gurkha
officer had pointed his baton, smart
in starched Khaki complemented
by his tan skin and black moustache
his precise military movements
that shed death at the point
of his cane. Vishnu incarnate,
destroyer of worlds.

A soldier fired, hitting one of the crowd.
As they fled, the officer turned to my Fiat,
pointed the way, we sped off, crunching glass

Beckenbauer had raved, 'Shit country!' He
had lain in a ditch, unfamiliar with India,
he resented the crowd. Lucky, he was not
a woman police constable. These things
happen in Britain’s former empire, life or death
hung on the whim of a Gurkha officer.

'Raza Academy apologises, Muslims could not
have been responsible for the molestation
of the women constables as that would have been
contrary to Islam.'
Times of India

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Vishnu Incarnate

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 15 Jul 2018, 20:48

I like the first stanza best....There are things to like about each stanza....but often the stanzas feel choppy and can be smoothed out.... those are my initial impressions....look again later

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1168
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Vishnu Incarnate

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 15 Jul 2018, 21:52

Will read it tomorrow morning.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Vishnu Incarnate

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 17 Jul 2018, 02:47

Promises, promises.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1168
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Vishnu Incarnate

#5 Post by SivaRamanathan » 17 Jul 2018, 07:42

Frank
The poem is very picturesque and each is a separate segment linked by the narrator.Only these lines seem out of place.

Vishnu incarnate,
destroyer of worlds.

Vishnu is not the destroyer-Shiva is.You can say Visnu Incarnate and connect it with Shiva the destroyer.
And remove Visnu Incarnate destroyer of worlds--it is not accepted.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Vishnu Incarnate

#6 Post by Kenneth2816 » 17 Jul 2018, 10:11

Frank. This is nice but above me head.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Vishnu Incarnate

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 17 Jul 2018, 15:49

It's a travel log Ken. :)

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1168
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Vishnu Incarnate

#8 Post by SivaRamanathan » 17 Jul 2018, 18:52

travelogue

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Vishnu Incarnate

#9 Post by FranktheFrank » 17 Jul 2018, 19:39

And the alternative British English spelling

'From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
(Redirected from Travel-Log (disambiguation))

Travel log or Travel Log may refer to:
Travel literature, records of a traveller's experiences
Travel-Log, album by JJ Cale
Travel Log, a vehicle built by Charles Kellogg'

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1168
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Vishnu Incarnate

#10 Post by SivaRamanathan » 17 Jul 2018, 21:42

I did smile this time Frank. I am familiar with your high funda.
Thanks for giving me the Album and the Vehicle. I will have to google it up tomorrow.

Post Reply