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 Post subject: For my Father
PostPosted: 16 Jul 2018, 04:27 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 785
For my Father

Eight years old, I threw myself
over the saddle of a bike

for the first time.
The street turned into choppy waters

and my bike foundered.
Pain shot through my knees,

a mash of dirt and gravel.
Yet my father encouraged me:

"Great job!" he shouted.
My knees were scarred tissue,

but he slung me on his shoulder
and we hiked back, our own parade.

My father whistled as my knees,
wounded heroes, came home.


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 Post subject: Re: Ode to my Father
PostPosted: 16 Jul 2018, 04:27 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 785
An old poem revised..


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 Post subject: Re: Ode to my Father
PostPosted: 16 Jul 2018, 21:47 
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Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14
Posts: 780
Bob---

love the scaled, natural phrasing and flow.

much better now than the first version you shared.

only this simile troubled:

and my bike foundered.
Pain shot through my knees

like arcing fireworks.

Yet my father encouraged me:



the description and setting form the image for me....


wonderful poem.


bernie


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 Post subject: Re: Ode to my Father
PostPosted: 17 Jul 2018, 00:56 
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Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Posts: 881
"Great job!"
Bob.I like the simple anecdotal telling and the last six lines have come out really well.

S


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 Post subject: Re: Ode to my Father
PostPosted: 17 Jul 2018, 08:12 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 785
Siva, Bernie... thank you
Bernie, thx for the heads up on the fireworks line... Bob


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 Post subject: Re: Ode to my Father
PostPosted: 17 Jul 2018, 08:18 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
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Bernie, I have simplified the line.... Bob


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 Post subject: Re: Ode to my Father
PostPosted: 17 Jul 2018, 10:10 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 627
Bob. It has been difficult lately picking put the poems from the spam.

This is a snippet and the simplistic language is good. Were it any longer, I'm unsure the result would be the same. One of my favorite mentors CE Chaffin said "You can count the number of modifiers in a poem before you even read it and tell if it's any good. I have not proved him wrong in 21 years. Simple images, simple words, let the reader to the rest.

It's also not too "hallmark" with sentiment. Nice work


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 Post subject: Re: Ode to my Father
PostPosted: 17 Jul 2018, 21:49 
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Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Posts: 1348
Hi Bob,

I like the anecdotal mode and the experience of the poem


"Ode" is too formal for an anecdotal memoir - workshop consider title as: for my Father


At first, I thought "foundered" was supposed to be "floundered";
then upon looking up "foundered," I discovered it is indeed just the right word, goldilocks -
esp w/ the kinetic image: "The street turned into choppy waters"

^^ Likewise, with the fireworks simile; just as an eight year old boy would likely express;
yet possibly, in spontaneous reaction, w/out "arcing" -

Pain shooting through my knees

like fireworks


Pain shooting like fireworks

through my knees


or in lieu of "arcing," "going off"


It's that last stanza that's not reading as the finale yet.

"My father whistled as my knees,
wounded heroes, came home."

The "knees" aren't the wounded heroes.

a suggested workshop illustration:

but he slung me on his shoulder
and we hiked back - our own parade,

with my father whistling
as wounded heroes arrived home.

^^ or returned home


And returning to the top, saddling a bike is also just right,
yielding subtextual echoes of the adage about falling off a horse and getting back up



8)

Michael (MV)


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 Post subject: Re: Ode to my Father
PostPosted: 18 Jul 2018, 09:16 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 785
Kenneth, Michael - thanks for your comments & suggestions...Bob


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