Removed - Moved
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- Posts: 1986
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Removed - Moved
Removed poem
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- Posts: 1986
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: A Christmas in Wales
Pom elevated
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- Posts: 1986
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: At Christmas - revised
Poem revised.
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- Posts: 1619
- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: At Christmas - revised
The first six lines are not on par with thr exquisite and delicious detail of rebalance of the poem. There are many exotic and unexpected images here, so that I think one or two lines depicting the ravages of the weathe
*before* the swallowa and red dust,
would advance the poem.
Difficult to make a poem on a topic covered millions of times, interesting.
You succeed with fresh imagery.
I might question the lamb, and love shed as being more Easter than Christmas and possibly trade them for a reference to ths birth celebrated
*before* the swallowa and red dust,
would advance the poem.
Difficult to make a poem on a topic covered millions of times, interesting.
You succeed with fresh imagery.
I might question the lamb, and love shed as being more Easter than Christmas and possibly trade them for a reference to ths birth celebrated
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- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: At Christmas - revised
You do have some nice imagery, as in the first stanza
Lead pipes would burst at the first drop
in temperature, whereas when Simoom blew
nineteen hundred miles the town awoke
to a covering of red dust and the sound
of tens of thousands of swallows.
Lead pipes would burst at the first drop
in temperature, whereas when Simoom blew
nineteen hundred miles the town awoke
to a covering of red dust and the sound
of tens of thousands of swallows.
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- Posts: 1986
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Christmas - revised
Thank you very much,
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- Posts: 1986
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Christmas in Wales [Revision 3]
thanks for the comments.
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- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Christmas in Wales [Revision 3]
I like this shortened version. I esp. love the "swallows and swifts piping". There is a stray "e" in the first stanza, at the end of a line:
floods e
Enjoyed...Bob
floods e
Enjoyed...Bob
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- Posts: 1986
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: A Christmas in Wales
My final version