Truly Me

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
meenas17
Posts: 470
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Truly Me

#1 Post by meenas17 » 17 Jul 2018, 21:34

It is a heyday,
the calls and the answers
the pressure and the inevitable
check me.

I attend the screaming door bell.
attend to the whistles of the cooker
prevent the doors  from banging 
play foil to the car honks.

I run to the porch
see an old friend.
nod my head  right to left
with vigour.

Knot my unkempt hair
dry my wet palms
embrace my friend
with love.

She stares at me,
at my hair drawn up high
at my saree crushed, 
at my stature .

She is in a trance
glances at me for a while,
Amused or bemused
I honestly do not realize.

She speaks 
"Is it truly you?"
She sighs
with a remorse. 

Long back,"you were
dressed immaculate,  
displayed  elegance,  
now seem devastated".

An accomplishment, I declare.
Messy and exhausted
I appear, but I enjoy
these days better.

Forgetfulness has set. 
I miss the valuables.,
place one over the other.
walk absent minded.

There is no less contentment
I do denounce myself,
laugh at my follies.
Am stupid. I know.

Joy sustain
being life more so.
As such I react with spirit
not with reason anymore.
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1290
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Truly Me

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 18 Jul 2018, 01:03

This is breathless to read Meena
it captures the unkept busy housewife.
Very good.

meenas17
Posts: 470
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Truly Me

#3 Post by meenas17 » 19 Jul 2018, 20:01

Thanks, Frank.
You are so kind.
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1290
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Truly Me

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 29 Jul 2018, 02:35

I can nominate if you wish Meena.

meenas17
Posts: 470
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Truly Me

#5 Post by meenas17 » 29 Jul 2018, 20:19

Please, Frank.

Meena
meenas17

Cormack
Posts: 3
Joined: 05 Jan 2006, 02:13
Contact:

Re: Truly Me

#6 Post by Cormack » 01 Aug 2018, 09:52

I think you can start this poem here:

"I run to the porch"

-the preceding stanzas feel like warm up to the rest of it. They also haven't yet captured the snappy cadence of the following stanzas- and that cadence supports the content of the poem.

In the poem you have a non patterned tonal internal rhyming that enhances the pace of the poem. Look for ways to take further advantage of that where it doesn't happen.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 890
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Truly Me

#7 Post by SivaRamanathan » 02 Aug 2018, 05:30

Meena


now seem devastated". If you were to write

now you seem
devastated

it would sound better.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1396
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Truly Me

#8 Post by Michael (MV) » 03 Aug 2018, 05:58

 
Hi meenas17,

in accord w/ Cormack - that's where the poem began for me -


yet reconsider "I run to the porch" as, Again I find myself / hurrying to the porch

Again I find myself
hurrying to the porch,
see there's an old friend.
nod my head right to left
with vigour.

Knot my unkempt hair
dry my palms
embrace my friend
with love.

She stares at my
hair drawn up high
at my saree crushed.

She is in a trance
absorbed by shifted stature.
Amused or bemused
I honestly do not realize.

Eventually she speaks,
"Is it truly you?"
then with a remorse, sighs.

"Long back you were
dressed immaculate,
displayed elegance,
now seem devastated."

An accomplishment, I declare.
Messy and exhausted
I appear, but I am enlightened
and enjoy these days better.
responding with spirit
instead of reacting with reason.


in the spirit of workshopping

Michael (MV)

Cormack wrote:I think you can start this poem here:

"I run to the porch"

-the preceding stanzas feel like warm up to the rest of it. They also haven't yet captured the snappy cadence of the following stanzas- and that cadence supports the content of the poem.

In the poem you have a non patterned tonal internal rhyming that enhances the pace of the poem. Look for ways to take further advantage of that where it doesn't happen.
 
 
 
 

JohnBRiley
Posts: 2
Joined: 03 Aug 2018, 01:06

Re: Truly Me

#9 Post by JohnBRiley » 03 Aug 2018, 18:27

I like this also but agree it could start at the point that's been pointed out. It's a full poem, though, one that packs a punch.

IndianaDP
Posts: 152
Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53

Re: Truly Me

#10 Post by IndianaDP » 03 Aug 2018, 19:09

Nicely done Meena hope it does well in IBPC.

meenas17
Posts: 470
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Truly Me

#11 Post by meenas17 » 13 Aug 2018, 13:01

Michael, I was in a remote area where there was no internet.
I am back home a few hours before.
Apologize for not responding.

Thanks Riley and Dale.
Sorry for the late reply.
meenas17

Post Reply

Return to “Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang”