v2:
Bull Elephants
Some, after a funeral
will gather at a "drinking pond",
toasting a fallen comrade.
A trunk will be raised and a final
goodbye trumpeted.
Teary-eyed, they may
even break into choruses
of Auld Lang Syne.
But most of the males remain loners
and isolate themselves
in dingy bars. Lost chances
at romance—as numerous
as the shots of bourbon
they throw down their throats—
are recalled, how the girls preferred
others with more power,
prestige. Many bulls,
like me, competed
with their one strength:
endurance.
For years I waged a difficult campaign
for Annie’s heart, a siege
like that of Khartoum's,
but in the end there was no
breaching of walls.
Only my retreat,
my heart left to wander
like a man on foot caught
in a sand storm...
v1:
Where Elephants Go To Die
The females become as sentimental
as old ladies holding babies,
touching their friends with their long
hands, as if for reassurance.
They wander garden shows, or watch
old Audrey Hepburn films together.
Males are different. Some, after a funeral
will gather at a "drinking pond",
toasting a fallen comrade.
A trunk will be raised and a final
goodbye trumpeted.
Teary--eyed, they may
even break into choruses
of Auld Lang Syne.
But most of the males remain loners
and isolate themselves
in dingy bars. Lost chances
at romance—as numerous
as the shots of bourbon
they throw down their throats—
are recalled, how the girls preferred
others with more power,
prestige. Many bulls,
like me, competed
with their one strength:
endurance.
For years I waged a difficult campaign
for Annie’s heart, a siege
like that of Khartoum's,
but in the end there was no
breaching of walls.
Only my retreat, my heart
left to wander without direction,
as if caught in a dust storm
Bull Elephants
-
- Posts: 2154
- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: Where Elephants Go To Die - revised
Hi Bob,
upon a 1st read-thru:
Although I like the well-composed first 3 stanzas, I wonder if they are needed in the composite.
Also consider this linebreak:
For years I waged a difficult
campaign for Annie’s heart, a siege
Michael (MV)
upon a 1st read-thru:
Although I like the well-composed first 3 stanzas, I wonder if they are needed in the composite.
Also consider this linebreak:
For years I waged a difficult
campaign for Annie’s heart, a siege
Michael (MV)
-
- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Where Elephants Go To Die - revised
Meena, thx for liking this poem...
Michael, you're right on....I will trim and correct that line break...thx
Michael, you're right on....I will trim and correct that line break...thx
-
- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Where Bull Elephants Go To Die - revised
Tweaked the ending... also, should I keep the title or change it to “Bill Elephants”?
-
- Posts: 1168
- Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Re: Where Bull Elephants Go To Die - revised
Bob
V2 reads better than V1.
I have a similar line 'Where Elephants Go To Die.' It is from an incident read in a Phantom comic.
S
V2 reads better than V1.
I have a similar line 'Where Elephants Go To Die.' It is from an incident read in a Phantom comic.
S