New York Pitch Reviews, Algonkian Writer Conferences, Poetry

Poets, Writers, Author Salon Reviews, New York Pitch Conference, Algonkian Writer Conferences
It is currently 17 Aug 2018, 14:50

All times are UTC + 3 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 6 posts ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: 21 Jul 2018, 12:01 
Offline

Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 627
For Allie

Beauty queen at seventeen, daddy's BMW, she meant that
night to be over it all.

Seventy feet down a cliff,
she found God
was a poplar, stoic
and positioned,

the only thing between
her and the lake.

Hospital for a year,
she could only speak
Spanish after she came to,
insurance paid for an interpreter.


Parts of her skull
were frozen until
the requisite donor
parts accumulated.

She loves tattoos
as if by branding
she can reclaim the body they say she
left for two plus minutes.

A rose, a tea pot, and
on the left calf; a tree.

She knows every stop
light in town and admonishes you to
accelerate or slow down.

Being motionless in traffic
brings panic attacks:

Traumatic brain injury,
siezures, pressure of
speech and a poverty
of emotion,

it is difficult when she smiles, not to look away from that part of her face which fails to react


Once in trying to comfort her,
she froze like a Greek
upon seeing Medusa.

I went back to my coffee thinking all
the King's horses
and all the King's men


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: 21 Jul 2018, 22:15 
Offline

Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 785
This is close... some cutting and tightening perhaps needed...
Love these lines:
Seventy feet down a cliff,
she found God
was a poplar, stoic
and positioned,

the only thing between
her and the lake.

I would trim the stanza starting with “Traumatic”.

I like Ken the last stanza


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: 22 Jul 2018, 00:06 
Offline

Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 627
Thanks Bob. I'm gonna keep working on it.I always have trouble translating real events into poetry. Frank is one of the best I've seen at it


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: 22 Jul 2018, 13:10 
Offline

Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 1212
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Ken
Interesting, very real indeed.
It smack so true of life
I suspect personal.
Maybe drop the last Strophe.

Or use as a epitaph in italics.

All my stories are inventions. :)


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: 25 Jul 2018, 21:42 
Offline

Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 627
Thank you


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: 26 Jul 2018, 19:30 
Offline

Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Posts: 881
Kenneth

This is how one should write about mental fever. But I will have to read it a few more times.

S


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 6 posts ] 

All times are UTC + 3 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group