New York Pitch Conference Reviews, Algonkian Writer Conferences, and Poetry Forums

Drones


Stout drones bull their way
through the hive, pushing us

out of their way as they take
to the air, where they meander

towards a males-only
club.

Having toiled in the fields,
our pollen baskets heavy,

we ply our way home,
weary,

but the drones, hungry,
are already there, demanding

we feed them.
One, taking my slowness

for insolence, bumps
against my hind leg, spilling

my pollen. My sisters back off
as he moves closer, towering

over me. I tremble like torn wings
in winter's first wind,

but then he turns his back,
moves slowly off, my sisters

preoccupied, my pride
stung.

Good.

Thx

It has come out very well.

S

 
Hi Bob,


workshop illustrated for 3 areas:
 

1/
Stout drones bull their way
through the hive, pushing us

out of their way as they take
to the air, where they meander

towards a males-only club.



2/
we ply our way
home, weary,



3a/
but then he turns his back,
moves slowly off,

my sisters preoccupied,
my pride stung.


3b/ (actually more recommended than 3a, b/c the loner line echoes back to the earlier suggested loner line - towards a males-only club. - in 1)

but then he turns his back,
moves slowly off, my sisters

preoccupied, my pride stung.



These are, of course, unconditional

just in the spirit of workshop sharing



Michael (MV)

 
 
 
 
 
 

Thx, Michael...I like your first suggestion and have changed the opening line.

Getting hung up on this part:

"One, taking my slowness

for insolence, bumps
against my hind leg, spilling

my pollen."

I am getting caught up in who spills the pollen. I feel that the narrator spills the pollen, though "one" is the cause of it. I think I am annoyed by this, because otherwise I enjoy the poem.

could be as simple as

"against my hind leg, I spill
my pollen"

but in this case, I want a stronger word than "bump".

"for insolence, (some options- thumps, rams, charges, whips(i prefer this), etc)"

Hi Bob. I just registered here. I think this is good. I love the use of "bull" and for a second I saw flying bulls and it wasn't silly. Great characterization of the drone. Using drones and laborers here is brilliant imo.

Hi Bob, it’s fun to become a bee in the hive, nicely done.

Cormack, thx for commenting

John, Dale — so glad you enjoyed this