Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 14 Aug 2018, 20:08

V2:
Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933


Every afternoon Jin Ching lay on a bunk
like a prisoner awaiting a court's decision.
He had spent his life savings
acquiring a "paper daughter",
documents detailing a villager's daughter
that he could claim as his...

Would the immigration officials
believe she looked like him--
with his moon face?

The inspectors, as poker faced as toads,
longed to trip him up.
Was China one wrong answer away?

He stared at the ceiling, recalling
details of his "daughter",
learned from papers
he had tossed into the sea as his ship
approached San Francisco Bay:
her height, her birthmark
above the cleft in her chin,
her baby's lucky name,
Huan Yue.

Oh, to think he was so close,
that he could dive into the bay's lap
and swim to San Francisco
if only he could reach
the island's edge, seen
from his barrack's barred window.

Would the officials' questions
upend everything, his heart capsizing
like a paper sailboat overwhelmed
by choppy waves?
What was the street his "daughter" lived on,
the name of the grocery
where she bought dumplings
and roast duck?

He looked out the window, the Pacific
squeezed into a corner,
and thought of the Jingwei bird,
how it spent its life trying
to fill the sea up, dropping pebbles
from its beak...

If he was sent back to China,
he would cobble money together
and buy another passage, next time
purchasing a paper son.
Surely strangers with hearts
couldn't deny him forever
from becoming American,
anymore than he could fill in
that damn ocean that kept
coming between them


V1:


Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933


Every afternoon Jin Ching lay on a bunk
like a prisoner awaiting a court's decision.

He had spent his life savings
acquiring a "paper daughter",

documents detailing a villager's daughter
that he could claim as his...

Would the immigration officials
believe she looked like him--

with his moon face?
The immigration interrogators

could ask anything...
How many bedrooms were there

in her house in San Francisco?
Who slept where? Did she have any dogs?

The inspectors, as poker faced as toads,
longed to trip him up.

Was China one wrong answer away?
He stared at the ceiling, recalling

details of his "daughter",
learned from papers

he had tossed into the sea as his ship
approached San Francisco Bay:

her height, her birthmark
above the cleft in her chin,

her baby's lucky name,
Huan Yue.

Oh, to think he was so close,
that he could dive into the bay's lap

and swim to San Francisco
if only he could reach

the island's edge, seen
from his barrack's barred window.

Would the officials' questions
upend everything, his heart capsizing

like a paper sailboat overwhelmed
by choppy waves?

What was the street his "daughter" lived on,
the name of the grocery

where she bought dumplings
and roast duck?

He looked out the window, the Pacific
squeezed into a corner,

and thought of the Jingwei bird,
how it spent its life trying

to fill the sea up, dropping pebbles
from its beak...

If he was sent back to China,
he would cobble money together

and buy another passage, next time
purchasing a paper son.

Surely strangers with hearts
couldn't deny him forever

from becoming American,
anymore than he could fill in

that damn ocean that kept
coming between them


footnote: see link https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angel_Isl ... on_Station

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 15 Aug 2018, 09:28

Bob, this is stellar work. I believe there are some places where an edit might work: fill the sea up, dropping pebbles
from its beak into the sea...

Sea is redundant .maybe "fill the sea bu dropping pebbles from its beak.

Im sure youll tinker with it. It's a piece germane to current events as well as snippet of Chinese history. Well done, moving, compelling, original

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 15 Aug 2018, 14:53

Yes, stellar work,
It's difficult to understand at first, then the meaning becomes apparent
and then the poet kicks in and we want to shorten it.
I agree sea is redundant, you will make the necessary
cuts I am sure, places where you repeat the meaning
explaining when we already get the message.

If you want more I will come back.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 15 Aug 2018, 20:08

Thanks, guys...I will want your input as I tinker with this...Bob

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 15 Aug 2018, 20:45

I tweaked the 'sea' line referred to, and added a note about Angel Island's history from Wikipedia....If you see parts you think cut be cut let me know...I'll be looking of course as well..thx

IndianaDP
Posts: 181
Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53

Re: Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933

#6 Post by IndianaDP » 16 Aug 2018, 02:23

Nicely written Bob, great story. I like how either the paper daughter or paper son are his vehicle to citizenship, a vehicle that if rejected becomes the folded paper boat that sinks with his dreams.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933

#7 Post by Kenneth2816 » 16 Aug 2018, 23:49

Bob, I'm of the opinion the poem carries itself. The Wikipedia article steals from the poem.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933

#8 Post by Michael (MV) » 17 Aug 2018, 00:20

 
Hi Bob; Hi Kenneth;

in lieu of the 2 paragraphs,

footnote at the end of the poem with the Link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angel_Isl ... on_Station

Bob, I like poem; it can still maybe tightened.

Hope to return to read closer & share workshop

8)

Michael (MV)

Kenneth2816 wrote:Bob, I'm of the opinion the poem carries itself. The Wikipedia article steals from the poem.

 
 
 
 
 
 

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933

#9 Post by BobBradshaw » 17 Aug 2018, 08:37

Kenneth- thank you... appreciate it

Michael, your idea of a footnote is a good one

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933

#10 Post by Kenneth2816 » 17 Aug 2018, 10:18

In my opinion Bob, this has the potential to be the most important poem I've seen you write.It deserves to
be written. Im sure you'll tweak it

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933

#11 Post by Kenneth2816 » 17 Aug 2018, 18:57

Bob, there is so much history behind this. 1931 Japan invaded Manchuria ,and over the ensuing years, there was the "Rape of Nanking". Later a Japanese macro biologist bred fleas
infested with bubonic plague in hopes
of creating a genocide. Japan entered the annals of history in the use of the first biochemical weapon in warfare.

The U.S. "Chinese Exclusion Act" of thd 19th century was made permanent policy in 1902. The "paper child" thing was a brilliant side step.

Ive made some in line edits for you to keep or discard as you see fit. I have a huge crush on this poem, believe it necessary.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933

#12 Post by Kenneth2816 » 17 Aug 2018, 19:00

BobBradshaw wrote:Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933


Each afternoon Jin Ching lay on a bunk
like a prisoner awaiting a court's decree

He had spent his life savings
acquiring a "paper daughter",

documents detailing a villager's daughter
that he could claim as his...

Would the immigration officials
believe she looked like him--

with his moon face?
The immigration interrogators

could ask anything...
How many bedrooms were there

in her house in San Francisco?
Who slept where? Did she have any dogs?

The inspectors, as poker faced as toads,
longed to trip him up.

Was China one wrong answer away?
He stared at the ceiling, recalling

details of his "daughter",
learned from papers

he had tossed into the sea as his ship
approached San Francisco Bay:

her height, her birthmark
above the cleft in her chin,

her baby's lucky name,
Huan Yue.

Oh, to think he was so close,
that he could dive into the bay's lap

and swim to San Francisco
if only he could reach

the island's edge, seen
from his barrack's barred window.

Would the officials' questions
upend everything, his heart capsizing

like a paper sailboat overwhelmed
by choppy waves?

What was the street his "daughter" lived on,
the name of the grocery

where she bought dumplings
and roast duck?

He looked out the window, the Pacific
squeezed into a corner,

and thought of the Jingwei bird,
how it spent its life trying

to fill the sea up, dropping pebbles
from its beak...

If he was sent back to China,
he would cobble money together

and book another passage, next time
purchasing a paper son.

Surely strangers with hearts
couldn't deny him forever

from becoming American,
anymore than he could fill in

that damn ocean that kept
coming between them


footnote: see link https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angel_Isl ... on_Station

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933

#13 Post by Kenneth2816 » 17 Aug 2018, 19:02

I would ditch couplets. I think they mess up the formatting and dont serve the poem

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933

#14 Post by BobBradshaw » 18 Aug 2018, 00:19

Thx, Kenneth...I have tossed the couplets. I couldn’t identify the in-line edits you made... could you point them out? I think I am going blind in my old age! Best, Bob

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933

#15 Post by Kenneth2816 » 18 Aug 2018, 04:34

Bob, my edit was so trivial, I forget.
The poem reads much better in its current form

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933

#16 Post by Kenneth2816 » 19 Aug 2018, 15:33

This is my first choice nom for IBPC

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933

#17 Post by BobBradshaw » 19 Aug 2018, 20:35

Thanks, Ken

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933

#18 Post by Michael (MV) » 20 Aug 2018, 02:53

 
He had spent his life savings
acquiring a "paper daughter",

^^ workshop-share as:

His life savings spent
acquiring a "paper daughter",


Also, in accord with passages instead of couplets in this narrative mode


8)

Michael (MV)
 

 

 

 
 

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933

#19 Post by BobBradshaw » 24 Aug 2018, 01:46

I have shortened the poem by a few lines

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933

#20 Post by Kenneth2816 » 24 Aug 2018, 15:52

The concept is what makes this a great poem

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Chinese Immigrant, Stuck on Angel Island, 1933

#21 Post by BobBradshaw » 24 Aug 2018, 20:20

Thanks, Ken

Post Reply