V2
Snowy Egret
The egret wanders the stream
in her black stocking feet,
her aigrettes mirrored in the water
along with the white shadows
of oleanders massed along the bank.
My asthmatic grandfather, his eyesight
failing, grew up in China
and he mistakes this egret
for a crane--a symbol
he says for long life.
He fingers the crane amulet
around his neck, a gift
his wife gave him
the year she passed.
"Cranes fly long distances,
and never even breathe
heavily", he says.
"They're a great comfort."
He forgets the decades
with Amy when quarrels
like crows couldn't
be quieted.
No, he recalls
their last years together,
when grudges were old baggage,
forgotten, as if dispatched to a landfill.
What moves him most
about this crane
is "her beauty",
not memories of his wife dying,
her thin chest ravaged
with breaths sharp as knives,
her face as haggard
as an old farm hand's,
but the woman he courted
in college, his "dear Amy".
...lovely, like the egret's snowy
plumage--as "pristine
as moonlight".
V1
Snowy Egret
My asthmatic grandfather, his eyesight
failing, grew up in China
and he mistakes this egret
for a crane--a symbol
he says for long life.
The egret wanders the stream
in her black stocking feet,
her aigrettes mirrored in the water
along with the white shadows
of oleanders massed along the bank.
He fingers the crane amulet
around his neck, a gift
his wife gave him
the year she passed.
"Cranes fly long distances,
and never even breathe
heavily", he says.
"They're a great comfort."
Selectively he forgets the decades
with Amy when quarrels
like crows couldn't
be quieted.
No, he recalls
their last years together,
when grudges were old baggage,
forgotten, as if dispatched to a landfill.
What moves him most
about this crane
is "her beauty",
not memories of his wife dying,
her thin chest ravaged
with breaths sharp as knives,
her face as haggard
as an old farm hand's,
but the woman he courted
in college, his "dear Amy".
...lovely, like the egret's snowy
plumage--as "pristine
as moonlight".
Snowy Egret
-
Kenneth2816
- Posts: 1619
- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: Snowy Egret
Bob this is beautiful. I've made some comments below. IDK how to do it other than copy/paste
Snowy Egret
* for the sake of clarity, consider reversing S1 and S2. Both are beautiful but beginning with "this egret" without laying the foundation for the reader is clunky
The egret wanders the stream
in her black stocking feet,
her aigrettes mirrored in the water
along with the white shadows
of oleanders massed along the bank.
My asthmatic grandfather, his eyesight
failing, grew up in China
and he mistakes this egret
for a crane--a symbol
he says for long life.
He fingers the crane amulet
around his neck, a gift
his wife gave him
the year she passed.
"Cranes fly long distances,
and never even breathe
heavily", he says.
"They're a great comfort."
(excellent dichotomy to asthmatic and ravaged)
(Selectively)he forgets the decades
with Amy when quarrels
like crows couldn't
be quieted. I think selectively is implied and it isn't necessary to "direct " the reader.
No, he recalls
their last years together,
when grudges were old baggage,
forgotten, as if dispatched to a landfill.
What moves him most
about this crane
is "her beauty",
not memories of his wife dying,
her thin chest ravaged
by breaths sharp as knives,
her face haggard
as an old farm hands. ( minor edits )
(would stop on hands and begin a new sentence . Extended too far otherwise)
It is the woman he courted
in college, his "dear Amy".
...lovely, like the egret's snowy
plumage--as "pristine
as moonlight".
I made a few stanza breaks for you to use or ignore. A few word changes hete and there. It's a lovely poem with the whole amulet crane eastern philosophy connection
Its well paced and not over the top with sentiment.
I would have loved to know these two characters
Snowy Egret
* for the sake of clarity, consider reversing S1 and S2. Both are beautiful but beginning with "this egret" without laying the foundation for the reader is clunky
The egret wanders the stream
in her black stocking feet,
her aigrettes mirrored in the water
along with the white shadows
of oleanders massed along the bank.
My asthmatic grandfather, his eyesight
failing, grew up in China
and he mistakes this egret
for a crane--a symbol
he says for long life.
He fingers the crane amulet
around his neck, a gift
his wife gave him
the year she passed.
"Cranes fly long distances,
and never even breathe
heavily", he says.
"They're a great comfort."
(excellent dichotomy to asthmatic and ravaged)
(Selectively)he forgets the decades
with Amy when quarrels
like crows couldn't
be quieted. I think selectively is implied and it isn't necessary to "direct " the reader.
No, he recalls
their last years together,
when grudges were old baggage,
forgotten, as if dispatched to a landfill.
What moves him most
about this crane
is "her beauty",
not memories of his wife dying,
her thin chest ravaged
by breaths sharp as knives,
her face haggard
as an old farm hands. ( minor edits )
(would stop on hands and begin a new sentence . Extended too far otherwise)
It is the woman he courted
in college, his "dear Amy".
...lovely, like the egret's snowy
plumage--as "pristine
as moonlight".
I made a few stanza breaks for you to use or ignore. A few word changes hete and there. It's a lovely poem with the whole amulet crane eastern philosophy connection
Its well paced and not over the top with sentiment.
I would have loved to know these two characters
-
BobBradshaw
- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Snowy Egret
Thanks, Ken! I like all your suggestions..I will change accordingly when I have a bit more time....best, Bob
Re: Snowy Egret
Nicely written Bob, I like the irony of the crane, a symbol for long life, and the grandfather outliving his wife.