Ichthyosis Vulgaris

[Kenneth2816]

When I was five I had
lazy-eye, a stammer
and a Texaco Star
pedal powered firetruck,
with wooden ladder and a bell.

My best friend lived
at the end of our block.
She had a disease
that made her skin
look like old Chinese
paper, an origami Koi
with discolored scales.

She wasn't allowed to
have company or leave
the yard so I would stand
in that spot where a few green
hairs struggled to thrive
between asphalt and concrete,


scratched hearts and crosses
on the sidewalk with a rock,
then a voice would call her inside.

As I had seen my mother do,I took gardening shears and cut every Jonquil edging the driveway,
wrapped them in newspaper
until I had five bouquets.

Fingers twined in the chain link,
she leaned back with all
her weight, worrying me the flesh
of her hands would pull loose.

She rattled the fence
and laughed as I poured flowers
over her like a baptism
of holy fire

[BobBradshaw]

Terrific poem....has elements I always admire: clarity, casual quality that gives us a sense of someone talking, good, simple imagery....I like reading this over and over

[Kenneth2816]

Thanks guys. I already tweaked it a little

[BobBradshaw]

Since the narrator is an adult looking back at his childhood, I think the changes work beautifully. If it were the kid speaking, I would question them, especially the Holy Water lines.

[Kenneth2816]

Got it.

[capricorn]

Really enjoyed reading this one Ken. It has a great conversational tone - easy to follow. A fascinating poem.
Eira

[Kenneth2816]

Thank you, Eira

[Billy]

I like this remembrance. It has the details of childhood spot on. There are couple of places where I stumbled:

She had a disease
that made her skin
look like old Chinese
paper, an origami Koi
with discolored scales. I would tighten this. I think the reader knows that origami is paper. I think just "an origami Koi/with discolored scales" is enough. otherwise it sounds like loading on.

and this part needs re-worded maybe though it's growing on me:

her weight, worrying me the flesh
of her hands would pull loose.

I think there is something better than baptism of Holy Water, I'd like something that the boy thought it meant, something simpler.

Good poem. Take whatever I've with a few grains of salt.

[Kenneth2816]

Thank you Billy. Good to see you here

[Kenneth2816]

Final tweak