After Her Brother Dies

[IndianaDP]

Revision-
She puts on his plaid hunting jacket,
walks in the fields
where he harvested corn.

Her steps, in the distance of furrows,
trail grey to the river,

a place of convergence
compressing her thoughts
with a weight that is deeper
than holding her breath.

She peals stiff clay from the bottoms
of her shoes and rolls it
in the palm her hand.

Grackles roost in the Shagbark
scream of injustice
before taking flight
to preach in black clouds.

A cold wind tangles her hair.
She feels a wrapped candy
in the bottom of his pocket.
It is sweet butter rum
that takes her
back home.

Original-
She puts on his plaid hunting jacket,
walks in the fields
where he harvested corn.

Her steps, in the distance of furrows,
trail grey to the river,

a place of convergence
compressing her thoughts
like an iron lung squeezing
old words from the bible
or a weight that is deeper
than holding her breath.

She strips clay from the bottom
of her shoes that she rolls in her hand.

Grackles roost in the Shagbark
scream of injustice
before taking flight
to preach in black clouds.

A cold wind has tangled her hair.
She feels a wrapped candy
in the bottom of his pocket.
It is sweet butter rum
that takes her
back home.

[BobBradshaw]

Hi Dale, I like the ending a lot:
She feels a wrapped candy
in the bottom of his pocket.
It is sweet butter rum
that takes her
back home.

However, these lines are awkward...I would just remove the stanza...I don't think you need it...saying less would make it a more powerful poem
compressing her thoughts
like an iron lung squeezing
old words from the bible

[Billy]

I agree with Bob's appraisal. I, too, found that stanza not to have the same simple beauty of the rest of the poem. I do love the feel of this poem, the atmosphere.

[Kenneth2816]

Most compelling is how the grief in the poem is understated. Putting her hands in the jacket to warm them against the cold wind and being surprised to find a piece of hard candy, is a delicate touch.

Implied is she popped it in her mouth,turned and went in the house.



I say don't change anything. I would consider a stanza break after pocket.

[IndianaDP]

Ha ha, the iron lung line was one of my favorites, but I do see how it might not fit in. I did a bit of condensing to remove it.

[Kenneth2816]

Dale excising the lung/bible line
kinda makes "to preach" in S5 stick out. I will reiterate my vote to keep both. Iron lung works because it alludes to a terminal illness and we know nothing of the brother