Survival
I wait
ensconced inside my sphagnum hide
as unsuspecting creatures forage near.
My escalating hunger won't subside
while odours saturate the atmosphere.
Vibrations stir the undergrowth, I feel
a scurry close but I'm concealed among
the moss and lie stock-still. I hear a squeal,
obtain a scent by flickering my tongue.
Strike!
I quickly coil around him; death's
embrace, his limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws,
I seize head-on and taste his final breath
as rhythmic muscles draw him through my jaws.
Though camouflaged in shadows, distant howls
disquiet me. I sense a passing beast
and glide behind my boulder - hear his growl
too late.
Raccoon returns -- devours his feast!
Survival
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- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Survival
I would take out the first stanza...it isn't necessary, and the language doesn't feel natural. Same awkardness is in 'I feel a scurry close" and other places. Don't sacrifice common speech for the mere sake of rhyme. "Disquiet"? "I sense a passing beast"...."I sense" isn't needed. Hone the language till it's bare bone, and it may work. Think details...as in your lovely "Running..." poem
Re: Survival
Thanks for your thoughts on this Bob, it's one I've dragged out of my archives (something I do sometimes) to see if it's worth working on. I agree that the language is a problem and there is an excess of words. If I rewrite, it will probably end up completely different (good thing!) I have written more recent rhyming poems that have been much tighter. I'll think on this (probably for some time) but might take up the challenge eventually!BobBradshaw wrote: ↑17 Jan 2019, 22:08I would take out the first stanza...it isn't necessary, and the language doesn't feel natural. Same awkardness is in 'I feel a scurry close" and other places. Don't sacrifice common speech for the mere sake of rhyme. "Disquiet"? "I sense a passing beast"...."I sense" isn't needed. Hone the language till it's bare bone, and it may work. Think details...as in your lovely "Running..." poem
Eira
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- Posts: 1168
- Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Re: Survival
Some lines are too dramatic.
S
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Re: Survival
Thanks Siva. I do think that a snake eating his prey is dramatic but agree that my language is ott. This needs a lot of thought if I revise.
Eira