Survival

[capricorn]

Survival

I wait
ensconced inside my sphagnum hide
as unsuspecting creatures forage near.
My escalating hunger won't subside
while odours saturate the atmosphere.

Vibrations stir the undergrowth, I feel
a scurry close but I'm concealed among
the moss and lie stock-still. I hear a squeal,
obtain a scent by flickering my tongue.

Strike!
I quickly coil around him; death's
embrace, his limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws,
I seize head-on and taste his final breath
as rhythmic muscles draw him through my jaws.

Though camouflaged in shadows, distant howls
disquiet me. I sense a passing beast
and glide behind my boulder - hear his growl
too late.
Raccoon returns -- devours his feast!

[BobBradshaw]

I would take out the first stanza...it isn't necessary, and the language doesn't feel natural. Same awkardness is in 'I feel a scurry close" and other places. Don't sacrifice common speech for the mere sake of rhyme. "Disquiet"? "I sense a passing beast"...."I sense" isn't needed. Hone the language till it's bare bone, and it may work. Think details...as in your lovely "Running..." poem

[capricorn]

I would take out the first stanza...it isn't necessary, and the language doesn't feel natural. Same awkardness is in 'I feel a scurry close" and other places. Don't sacrifice common speech for the mere sake of rhyme. "Disquiet"? "I sense a passing beast"...."I sense" isn't needed. Hone the language till it's bare bone, and it may work. Think details...as in your lovely "Running..." poem

Thanks for your thoughts on this Bob, it's one I've dragged out of my archives (something I do sometimes) to see if it's worth working on. I agree that the language is a problem and there is an excess of words. If I rewrite, it will probably end up completely different (good thing!) I have written more recent rhyming poems that have been much tighter. I'll think on this (probably for some time) but might take up the challenge eventually!

Eira

[SivaRamanathan]

Some lines are too dramatic.

S

[capricorn]

Some lines are too dramatic.

S

Thanks Siva. I do think that a snake eating his prey is dramatic but agree that my language is ott. This needs a lot of thought if I revise.

Eira

[meenas17]

A good poem. Needs some tweaking . Bob 's suggestions will help.