The Athenaeum

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SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1004
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

The Athenaeum

#1 Post by SivaRamanathan » 27 Jan 2019, 08:09

Never in my wildest dreams
had I pictured myself outside the library of Alexandria
daping with an open mouth.

More wonderful than the pyramids,
more shapely than the sphinx
I stand in awe of such magnificent knowledge bank
a dream in concrete, an architect's poetry.

Zaharaa the tour guide says,''look, this great marvel
will take us one half day just to go around the circumference.
This unfinished building will be the world's greatest
when complete; Alexandria your library literally,
like the bird Phoenix must rise.''

When I first discovered google earth
I mouse pointed, clicked every milli space
virtually opening like the genie of Aladdin
a treasure trove of books;
now there will be CDs in steel chests
tomorrow I will be able to click open an e-book
in the Athenaeum of Alexandria from my unlit computer
in a snoring bedroom.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1532
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: The Athenaeum

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 27 Jan 2019, 14:05

Great writing Siva
like the new style,
Capital 'L' for the start of a sentence inside speech literals.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1004
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: The Athenaeum

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 27 Jan 2019, 20:43

Please critique Frank. It is very cumbersome. Tighten,tighten and edit. Please.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: The Athenaeum

#4 Post by Kenneth2816 » 28 Jan 2019, 03:55

All telling. Like a journal entry. The subject matter is unique though and worthy of revision.

Last stanza is best

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Athenaeum

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 28 Jan 2019, 04:30

You asked for tightening, etc... good topic but there are places to be both more concise and to remove cliches. For example, in stanza 1:

Never in my wildest dreams
had I pictured myself outside the library of Alexandria
daping with an open mouth.

Cliches: wildest dreams, gaping with an open mouth.
Maybe?
Only if I held a winning lottery ticket in my pocket
could I have imagined myself
gaping at the library of Alexandria.

Get rid of adjectives like wonderful, etc.
Maybe tell us something intriguing with an image of the Sphinx, then tell us it doesn’t compare to....

This poem has a lot of potential...and I am confident you will make it a trip we’ll all enjoy with you.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1004
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: The Athenaeum

#6 Post by SivaRamanathan » 28 Jan 2019, 05:08

Kenneth and Bob

Thank you. I will start working.

Sivakami

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1532
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: The Athenaeum

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 28 Jan 2019, 12:32

Siva, good advice from two experienced poets,
but I rather like this poem and you new style
it echoes your confidence. I would leave it sit for a while
and think about it. I really do like it.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1532
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: The Athenaeum

#8 Post by FranktheFrank » 28 Jan 2019, 12:33

cd's

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1532
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: The Athenaeum

#9 Post by FranktheFrank » 28 Jan 2019, 12:33

I love the concept.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1004
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: The Athenaeum

#10 Post by SivaRamanathan » 28 Jan 2019, 13:06

Thank you Frank.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1004
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: The Athenaeum

#11 Post by SivaRamanathan » 30 Jan 2019, 20:04

I am not able to work on this immediately. Maybe I will let it be for a week or so.Thank you all for your edits and ideas to edit.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: The Athenaeum

#12 Post by Kenneth2816 » 02 Feb 2019, 16:38

IMHO, it's well worth the effort

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