The Athenaeum
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- Posts: 1168
- Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
The Athenaeum
Never in my wildest dreams
had I pictured myself outside the library of Alexandria
daping with an open mouth.
More wonderful than the pyramids,
more shapely than the sphinx
I stand in awe of such magnificent knowledge bank
a dream in concrete, an architect's poetry.
Zaharaa the tour guide says,''look, this great marvel
will take us one half day just to go around the circumference.
This unfinished building will be the world's greatest
when complete; Alexandria your library literally,
like the bird Phoenix must rise.''
When I first discovered google earth
I mouse pointed, clicked every milli space
virtually opening like the genie of Aladdin
a treasure trove of books;
now there will be CDs in steel chests
tomorrow I will be able to click open an e-book
in the Athenaeum of Alexandria from my unlit computer
in a snoring bedroom.
had I pictured myself outside the library of Alexandria
daping with an open mouth.
More wonderful than the pyramids,
more shapely than the sphinx
I stand in awe of such magnificent knowledge bank
a dream in concrete, an architect's poetry.
Zaharaa the tour guide says,''look, this great marvel
will take us one half day just to go around the circumference.
This unfinished building will be the world's greatest
when complete; Alexandria your library literally,
like the bird Phoenix must rise.''
When I first discovered google earth
I mouse pointed, clicked every milli space
virtually opening like the genie of Aladdin
a treasure trove of books;
now there will be CDs in steel chests
tomorrow I will be able to click open an e-book
in the Athenaeum of Alexandria from my unlit computer
in a snoring bedroom.
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- Posts: 1988
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: The Athenaeum
Great writing Siva
like the new style,
Capital 'L' for the start of a sentence inside speech literals.
like the new style,
Capital 'L' for the start of a sentence inside speech literals.
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- Posts: 1168
- Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Re: The Athenaeum
Please critique Frank. It is very cumbersome. Tighten,tighten and edit. Please.
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- Posts: 1619
- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: The Athenaeum
All telling. Like a journal entry. The subject matter is unique though and worthy of revision.
Last stanza is best
Last stanza is best
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- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: The Athenaeum
You asked for tightening, etc... good topic but there are places to be both more concise and to remove cliches. For example, in stanza 1:
Never in my wildest dreams
had I pictured myself outside the library of Alexandria
daping with an open mouth.
Cliches: wildest dreams, gaping with an open mouth.
Maybe?
Only if I held a winning lottery ticket in my pocket
could I have imagined myself
gaping at the library of Alexandria.
Get rid of adjectives like wonderful, etc.
Maybe tell us something intriguing with an image of the Sphinx, then tell us it doesn’t compare to....
This poem has a lot of potential...and I am confident you will make it a trip we’ll all enjoy with you.
Never in my wildest dreams
had I pictured myself outside the library of Alexandria
daping with an open mouth.
Cliches: wildest dreams, gaping with an open mouth.
Maybe?
Only if I held a winning lottery ticket in my pocket
could I have imagined myself
gaping at the library of Alexandria.
Get rid of adjectives like wonderful, etc.
Maybe tell us something intriguing with an image of the Sphinx, then tell us it doesn’t compare to....
This poem has a lot of potential...and I am confident you will make it a trip we’ll all enjoy with you.
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- Posts: 1168
- Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Re: The Athenaeum
Kenneth and Bob
Thank you. I will start working.
Sivakami
Thank you. I will start working.
Sivakami
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- Posts: 1988
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: The Athenaeum
Siva, good advice from two experienced poets,
but I rather like this poem and you new style
it echoes your confidence. I would leave it sit for a while
and think about it. I really do like it.
but I rather like this poem and you new style
it echoes your confidence. I would leave it sit for a while
and think about it. I really do like it.
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- Posts: 1988
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: The Athenaeum
cd's
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- Posts: 1988
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: The Athenaeum
I love the concept.
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- Posts: 1168
- Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Re: The Athenaeum
I am not able to work on this immediately. Maybe I will let it be for a week or so.Thank you all for your edits and ideas to edit.
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- Posts: 1619
- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: The Athenaeum
IMHO, it's well worth the effort