i bring you tonight

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
User avatar
Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

i bring you tonight

#1 Post by Billy » 15 Feb 2019, 04:04

i bring you tonight

soft animals
from the heart of this beast
i know you don't agree

the secret is still a secret
the borders are fraudulent
the compass i keep

in my pocket spins
from the center
of my conscience

wherever i turn
the sacraments spoil
the water turns to sand

even if i stand in one place
the ground moves
under my spell

the wind whistles my name
from the far corners
of the last plea for forgiveness

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: i bring you tonight

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 16 Feb 2019, 22:36

I love this plea for forgiveness. I like the unusual imagery, as in the lines below....I would put the compass somewhere else than in the pants....a shirt pocket perhaps...some of us are incorrigible

the sacraments spoil
the water turns to sand

even if i stand in one place
the ground moves
under my spell

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: i bring you tonight

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 17 Feb 2019, 01:21

Agree, pants was something I noticed, pocket would do.

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: i bring you tonight

#4 Post by Billy » 19 Feb 2019, 06:16

Well, I wasn't sure about pants either when it came out but I feel it's important to the plea for forgiveness.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: i bring you tonight

#5 Post by Michael (MV) » 19 Feb 2019, 06:34

 
Hi Billy,


workshop-share as:

the secret is still a secret
the borders are fraudulent
the compass i keep

in my pocket spins
from the center
of my conscience


one shouldn't need to plea for forgiveness
it is done


8)

Michael (MV)


 
 
 
 
 

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: i bring you tonight

#6 Post by Billy » 19 Feb 2019, 07:33

Okay, i give, changed it. I like your suggestion MV.

True enough, MV, it's already done, but we're not always full of that much faith and I think God likes to hear us ask. He came for the sinners not the righteous. Actually, it's a plea to be more pure more than forgiveness. Aren't we always in a state of needing forgiveness because we're never as pure (selfless) as we'd like to be.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: i bring you tonight

#7 Post by Kenneth2816 » 19 Feb 2019, 11:11

Billy, I like this.Like the play on borders and compass. Don't like the part about secrets

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: i bring you tonight

#8 Post by Billy » 21 Feb 2019, 07:32

Thanks, Kenneth, I'll think about it.

Post Reply