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Just found a recent revision in tercets - hope the longer lines flow better.

Trysting with Morpheus

Fancy a glass of Prosecco?

Both snug on the sofa, I chuckle
at his banter until the clock’s chime
suggests we whisper - goodnight.

He fingers my ring –
bold lips brush mine;
a lingering feather-touch,

leaving me gasping
as we sway in the doorway,
wide eyes scribbling messages.

Warm breath tickles my neck;
smothered in sinfulness
I crave more, then

jolt awake,
my heart drumming
to the warblers' early serenade.

--------------------------------------------
Morpheus' Tryst

Fancy a glass of Prosecco?

Both snug on the sofa
I chuckle at his banter
until the clock's chimes
suggest we whisper
goodnight.

He fingers my ring -
yet bold lips brush mine;
a lingering feather-touch,
tantalizingly tender

leaving me gasping
as we sway in the doorway,
wide eyes scribbling messages;
titillations.

Warm breath tickles my neck;
smothered in sinfulness
I crave more,
then jolt awake,
my heart drumming
to warblers' early serenade.

My man sleeps -
I turn back to doze
daring
to dream again.

 
eroticus interruptus


consider "Trysting with Morpheus" as title


you might find this interesting:

https://artsbma.org/collection/somnus-2/




Michael (MV)

 
 
 
 
 

This is close... there’s plenty to like, you paint a good scene. The tantalizingly tender and titillations lines aren’t needed.

I like the warbler image, and might end the poem there. The last stanza is flat. Maybe you could either merge it with the previous stanza, but close on the warbler image or somehow make the scene clearer in the title and elimate the final stanza.

Again you’re close... just a fussing with mechanics should lead this poem home. When done it will be a fine piece.

The only thing that bothers me is your habit of leaving
out the article before the noun,

It can work, but in this case hinders the poem.
What is wrong with: my heart drumming to a warbler's call.
rather than: my heart drumming to warbler's call.

I agree the last stanza could be dropped, we already know
its a dream, when you tell us N jolts awake.

I like the originality and the daring, quite erotic for you.

best wishes
ieuan

Michael (MV) wrote: ↑

07 Mar 2019, 06:19

 
eroticus interruptus


consider "Trysting with Morpheus" as title


you might find this interesting:

https://artsbma.org/collection/somnus-2/




Michael (MV)
 

Have changed to Trysting with Morpheus - thanks Michael.


Very interesting link too.


Eira

BobBradshaw wrote: ↑

08 Mar 2019, 04:48

This is close... there’s plenty to like, you paint a good scene. The tantalizingly tender and titillations lines aren’t needed.

I like the warbler image, and might end the poem there. The last stanza is flat. Maybe you could either merge it with the previous stanza, but close on the warbler image or somehow make the scene clearer in the title and elimate the final stanza.

Again you’re close... just a fussing with mechanics should lead this poem home. When done it will be a fine piece.

Thanks Bob,

Yes, the warblers image would be a stronger ending.

I found a later revision of this in tercets (same words) - the longer lines might be better (not sure)

Eira

FranktheFrank wrote: ↑

09 Mar 2019, 02:12

The only thing that bothers me is your habit of leaving
out the article before the noun,

It can work, but in this case hinders the poem.
What is wrong with: my heart drumming to a warbler's call.
rather than: my heart drumming to warbler's call.

I agree the last stanza could be dropped, we already know
its a dream, when you tell us N jolts awake.

I like the originality and the daring, quite erotic for you.

best wishes
ieuan

Thanks for the input Ieuan,

Last stanza deleted from revision and article included.

Yes quite erotic for me - I do have my moments

Eira

I am shocked!

FranktheFrank wrote: ↑

09 Mar 2019, 13:23

I am shocked!

I really like the conxept

Kenneth2816 wrote: ↑

10 Mar 2019, 22:05

I really like the conxept

Thanks Ken

Good one... the revision makes it better

BobBradshaw wrote: ↑

16 Mar 2019, 20:02

Good one... the revision makes it better

Thanks for your help Bob
Eira