Broken

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Broken

#1 Post by Billy » 18 Mar 2019, 06:22

Broken

Late nights, he's only eleven
going on thirty. The moon AWOL 
when you're inside four walls. 
A sunken lounge, sing-along 
and dancing. All the old songs 
still stored away in his head. 

He won at limbo. They were old,
drunk. They all hugged him, 
said he was such a smart boy. 
Don't mind us, we're having 
a good time. It's Saturday night.

EMS carried mom on a stretcher
to flashing lights. The bartender
called 911 when she stumbled
and fell on the dance floor
arms pointing the wrong way. 

Both splinted against her body,
she laughed as all her friends 
stood around wishing her well
tipped a beer or a mixed drink 
to her as she went out the door.

The boy’s in a booth, smothered
by stinky kisses, in the arms of mom's 
drinking buddy. Don't worry, Mary, 
I'll take the boy home with me.

There was no moon that night
when he lay awake in a strange 
room, a cold bed, the dark welling 
up in his eyes, but he didn't cry.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Broken

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 18 Mar 2019, 21:39

This is very good. Good, strong last line. The only nits I can come up with...I don't like the ending of lines on "were" and "Her". They don't deserve the weight. And if read with emphasis on the endings, they would read awkwardly. Of course one doesn't have to put emphasis on the last word of a line...but without hearing the poet read the piece, one might assume so, and thus the awkwardness...wordy explanation, I know... certainly this is a muddy area....when one hears Billy Collins read he rarely puts emphasis on the line's last word and usually doesn't pause, just speeds around the corner to the next line....but so many poets reading do pause at the end of lines, which drives me nuts when it happens on every line...it sounds mechanical....well, what are your thoughts? I would love to hear them or anyone else on this subject.

By the way, the line ending on "his" works for me, since I can easily place a bit of extra weight there.

My favorite stanza:
Both splinted against her body,
she laughed as all her friends
stood around wishing her well,
tipping another beer or a mixed
drink as she went out the door.

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Broken

#3 Post by Billy » 18 Mar 2019, 22:21

Thanks Bob for the generous crit. I think u r pretty much dead on. I figured I’d be revising, Except for separating into stanzas afterwards, this was written as is last night right into the text box.
I’ll be revising but i’ll wait until others make suggestions.

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Broken

#4 Post by Billy » 19 Mar 2019, 18:20

Made some revisions on my phone and somehow lost the original, sorry.

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