Harbinger

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 1197
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Harbinger

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 21 Mar 2019, 20:48

V3:
Harbinger

I admit I don't have the body
of a gymnast as I tiptoe
up the stairs from the kitchen
in the middle of the night.

I should take better care
of my body, should love it
the way I did my first car,
buffing and polishing it.

Yet I have fifteen, maybe twenty
or more years yet. I could exercise
till I'm fit as an otter.

But my body longs only to nap,
to become a stone, settling
in a sun-lit creek, the lullaby
of water enveloping me.


V2:
Harbinger

I admit I don't have the body
of a gymnast as I tiptoe
up the stairs from the kitchen
in the middle of the night.

I should take better care
of my body, should love it
the way I did my first car,
buffing and polishing it.

I have fifteen, maybe twenty
or more years yet. I could exercise
till I'm fit as an otter.

Yet my body longs only to nap,
to become a stone, settling
in a sun-lit creek, the lullaby
of water enveloping me.


V1:
Harbinger


I admit I don't have the body
of a dancer as I tiptoe
up the stairs from the kitchen
in the middle of the night.
Still I'm implausibly happy.
I should take better care
of my body, should love it
the way I did my first car,
buffing and polishing it.
Do I have twenty years left?
Fifteen? I should exercise
till I'm as fit as an otter.
Yet my body longs only to nap,
to become a stone, settling
in a sun-lit creek, the lullaby
of water enveloping me.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 958
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Harbinger

#2 Post by SivaRamanathan » 21 Mar 2019, 20:54

Bob

The last line is good,but there are some lines you can do without.I mean the poem can do without.Like those introverted questions that need no answers. It is too colloquial as it is,more like a first draft.Try tightening it,like a taut body.

S

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1197
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Harbinger

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 21 Mar 2019, 21:22

Good points...thx...I will take some lines out.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1515
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Harbinger

#4 Post by Michael (MV) » 22 Mar 2019, 04:57

 
Hi Bob,

I can relate to this - I'm aging naturally - a time to be young, a time not to be young - physically that is - and it's alright.

A time to wear reading glasses, and I'm enjoying then - the look, the experience.  

Yet I hope it's not an "implausibly happy." I believe only Joy is plausible - the plause without pause :lol:  harbinger on a binge

workshop illustrated below for your perusal & consideration     -- Michael (MV)


I admit I don't have the body
of a gymnast as I tiptoe
up the stairs from the kitchen
in the middle of the night.

Still I'm implausibly happy.
I should take better care
of my body, should love it
the way I did my first car,
buffing and polishing it.

I have fifteen, could be twenty
or more years yet. I could exercise
till I'm fit as an otter.

Yet my body longs only to nap,
to become a stone, settling
in a sun-lit creek, the lullaby
of water enveloping me.


^^ like in the womb       the lull without a bye

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1197
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Harbinger

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 22 Mar 2019, 05:52

Thx, Michael..,I like the way you have broken up the stanzas... I will steal...’opportune’ myself of your suggestions... best

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1197
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Harbinger

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 23 Mar 2019, 21:05

BobBradshaw wrote:
21 Mar 2019, 20:48
V2:
Harbinger

I admit I don't have the body
of a gymnast as I tiptoe
up the stairs from the kitchen
in the middle of the night.

I should take better care
of my body, should love it
the way I did my first car,
buffing and polishing it.

I have fifteen, could be twenty
or more years yet. I could exercise
till I'm fit as an otter.

Yet my body longs only to nap,
to become a stone, settling
in a sun-lit creek, the lullaby
of water enveloping me.


V1:
Harbinger


I admit I don't have the body
of a dancer as I tiptoe
up the stairs from the kitchen
in the middle of the night.
Still I'm implausibly happy.
I should take better care
of my body, should love it
the way I did my first car,
buffing and polishing it.
Do I have twenty years left?
Fifteen? I should exercise
till I'm as fit as an otter.
Yet my body longs only to nap,
to become a stone, settling
in a sun-lit creek, the lullaby
of water enveloping me.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1488
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Harbinger

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 25 Mar 2019, 18:15

I prefer the original layout without strophes.
It's perfect otherwise, can relate.
This would be a good time for a nap.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1197
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Harbinger

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 25 Mar 2019, 20:40

Removed a stanza...

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1515
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Harbinger

#9 Post by Michael (MV) » 26 Mar 2019, 07:35

Hi Bob

"fit as an otter" fits in the poem

It's a highlight of the poem

The poem is not as fit without it

: 8)

Michael (MV)

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1197
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Harbinger

#10 Post by BobBradshaw » 26 Mar 2019, 21:45

Thx... I have put it back

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1488
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Harbinger

#11 Post by FranktheFrank » 27 Mar 2019, 22:50

This poem is so neat.

capricorn
Posts: 254
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Harbinger

#12 Post by capricorn » 28 Mar 2019, 03:19

I can so relate to this, Bob. I like the way you've split it into stanzas and especially the ending

my body longs only to nap,
to become a stone, settling
in a sun-lit creek, the lullaby
of water enveloping me.

Lovely!

Eira

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1197
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Harbinger

#13 Post by BobBradshaw » 28 Mar 2019, 07:16

Frank, Eira— Thank you both

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