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V3:
Harbinger

I admit I don't have the body
of a gymnast as I tiptoe
up the stairs from the kitchen
in the middle of the night.

I should take better care
of my body, should love it
the way I did my first car,
buffing and polishing it.

Yet I have fifteen, maybe twenty
or more years yet. I could exercise
till I'm fit as an otter.

But my body longs only to nap,
to become a stone, settling
in a sun-lit creek, the lullaby
of water enveloping me.


V2:
Harbinger

I admit I don't have the body
of a gymnast as I tiptoe
up the stairs from the kitchen
in the middle of the night.

I should take better care
of my body, should love it
the way I did my first car,
buffing and polishing it.

I have fifteen, maybe twenty
or more years yet. I could exercise
till I'm fit as an otter.

Yet my body longs only to nap,
to become a stone, settling
in a sun-lit creek, the lullaby
of water enveloping me.


V1:
Harbinger


I admit I don't have the body
of a dancer as I tiptoe
up the stairs from the kitchen
in the middle of the night.
Still I'm implausibly happy.
I should take better care
of my body, should love it
the way I did my first car,
buffing and polishing it.
Do I have twenty years left?
Fifteen? I should exercise
till I'm as fit as an otter.
Yet my body longs only to nap,
to become a stone, settling
in a sun-lit creek, the lullaby
of water enveloping me.

Bob

The last line is good,but there are some lines you can do without.I mean the poem can do without.Like those introverted questions that need no answers. It is too colloquial as it is,more like a first draft.Try tightening it,like a taut body.

S

Good points...thx...I will take some lines out.

 
Hi Bob,

I can relate to this - I'm aging naturally - a time to be young, a time not to be young - physically that is - and it's alright.

A time to wear reading glasses, and I'm enjoying then - the look, the experience.  

Yet I hope it's not an "implausibly happy." I believe only Joy is plausible - the plause without pause  harbinger on a binge

workshop illustrated below for your perusal & consideration     -- Michael (MV)


I admit I don't have the body
of a gymnast as I tiptoe
up the stairs from the kitchen
in the middle of the night.

Still I'm implausibly happy.
I should take better care
of my body, should love it
the way I did my first car,
buffing and polishing it.

I have fifteen, could be twenty
or more years yet. I could exercise
till I'm fit as an otter.

Yet my body longs only to nap,
to become a stone, settling
in a sun-lit creek, the lullaby
of water enveloping me.


^^ like in the womb       the lull without a bye

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Thx, Michael..,I like the way you have broken up the stanzas... I will steal...’opportune’ myself of your suggestions... best

I prefer the original layout without strophes.
It's perfect otherwise, can relate.
This would be a good time for a nap.

Removed a stanza...

Hi Bob

"fit as an otter" fits in the poem

It's a highlight of the poem

The poem is not as fit without it

:

Michael (MV)

Thx... I have put it back

This poem is so neat.

I can so relate to this, Bob. I like the way you've split it into stanzas and especially the ending

my body longs only to nap,
to become a stone, settling
in a sun-lit creek, the lullaby
of water enveloping me.

Lovely!

Eira

Frank, Eira— Thank you both