Innocence Lost

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FranktheFrank
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Innocence Lost

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 25 Mar 2019, 15:11

Innocence Lost
"Rosebud!" - Citizen Kane

Screams resonated around the courtyard.
sharp as a pirate's knife
cutting through to the bone.
I'd heard those dreadful
sounds before.

Jack ordered them into the fray.
Rosie's squeals reaching a crescendo,
she ran blindly into the van trying
to shake her assailants off.

Finally they had her where they wanted.
Traumatised, she lay quietly on the straw,
worn out from fear, exhausted
from her exertions, pain throbbing
around her porcine ears and anus.

Bewildered, Rosie stares at Jack,
the man who had cared for her,
chatted in kindly tones
over the wall all year round
and now . . .

The dogs scamper back seeking
a tickled ear.

******

BobBradshaw
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: No Voice

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 27 Mar 2019, 20:54

I'm not for keeping the Citizen Kane reference....Jack from what little I can gather doesn't seem the type to think of Rosebud...and I would end the poem with my favorite lines:

The dogs came back to Jack
for their ears to be tickled.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1488
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Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: No Voice

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 27 Mar 2019, 22:39

Good point Bob,
I had doubts,
thank you.

SivaRamanathan
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Re: No Voice

#4 Post by SivaRamanathan » 28 Mar 2019, 06:07

Frank
I did not quite get the Citizen Kane;the last couplet makes the poem. After all that violence,there is tenderness.

S

FranktheFrank
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Re: No Voice -edit 1

#5 Post by FranktheFrank » 28 Mar 2019, 14:49

thanks all.

BobBradshaw
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Re: No Voice -edit 1

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 28 Mar 2019, 20:30

I like the improvements. I think the 2nd stanza can be improved by both trimming and expanding. You don’t need both worn out and exhausted. But you could expand on her injuries, but don’t overdo it.

Just thinking out loud about the closing... why would Rosie look bemused? Maybe

Rosie looked long at Jack,
hope gone, eyes pleading,

Jack humming
as his darlings came back
wanting their ears tickled.

FranktheFrank
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Re: No Voice -edit 1

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 28 Mar 2019, 22:15

I'm thinking bemused for:

puzzled, confused,
bewildered · perplexed · baffled · stumped

The bottom has fallen out of her box.

BobBradshaw
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Re: No Voice -edit 1

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 28 Mar 2019, 23:58

I see your point, but "bemused" is a bit literary for the situation...confused or dazed would be better.

Good poem...you're close

capricorn
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Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: No Voice -edit 1

#9 Post by capricorn » 29 Mar 2019, 03:55

Brilliant poem, Frank. Very strong. I felt very moved reading this.

I like Bob's suggestion of 'dazed' as an alternative for 'bemused'.

Eira

Kenneth2816
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Re: No Voice -edit 1

#10 Post by Kenneth2816 » 29 Mar 2019, 09:40

Proof that animals are better than us. Strong poem.

FranktheFrank
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Re: No Voice -edit 1

#11 Post by FranktheFrank » 31 Mar 2019, 02:42

Thanks all, I actually like 'bemused' much. :)

According to some scientists we are animals,
and it was animals that savaged poor Rosie
with no pity.

It has always bothered me that farmers who obviously cosset
their animals and show great affection normally, then send them
off to slaughter. One pig farmer told me she loved going
into their shed when they were four week old and just playing
with them, 'But you send them off to slaughter at 10 weeks,' I said,
and she could give me no satisfactory reply to my query.

Therefore we must all be hypocrites, those that rear
and those that eat poor pigs.
But they are tasty.

Kenneth2816
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Re: No Voice -edit 1

#12 Post by Kenneth2816 » 01 Apr 2019, 01:05

I think you mean trickling instead of tricking

FranktheFrank
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Re: No Voice -edit 1

#13 Post by FranktheFrank » 01 Apr 2019, 11:11

Thanks Ken.

Michael (MV)
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"Rosebud." -- Citizen Kane

#14 Post by Michael (MV) » 04 Apr 2019, 09:38

 
Hi Frank,

Thanks for the explanation - as I hoped, Rosie is indeed an animal - I thought of a hunted doe or rabbit - Thank God not a human -
but that is evidence that the poem rises (that word "assailants") to a piercing symbolic reading of human exploitation - poetry is metaphor

^^ Consider "squeal" early on (see below) - I've suggested "porcine" toward the last.


I understand the allusion, but ultimately I'm finding it a stretch. Yet perhaps as the title - allusion only as title - maybe it skirts being a bump in the body of the poem.
Readers can then readily quick-search it, and then enter the poem with that reference fresh.

"Rosebud." -- Citizen Kane (see below)


btw, Speaking of loss of innocence - the sled-song of Jagger & RS plays even more poignantly now in their senior years:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3P0COo6jSlY



re:

"Rosie looked long at Jack, bemused
hope gone, eyes pleading."

That stanza is over-writ & cliché; and
consider "bewildered" over the more personified "bemused" - it's the "wild" in "bewildered" that prompts me to that workshop suggestion, and the finale as:


Rosie's dying look at Jack, long and bewildered,
while the hounds ran back to the master,
eager for their ears to be tickled.
 
 

illustrated for your perusal & consideration   -- Michael (MV)


"Rosebud." -- Citizen Kane

Screams pierced through the courtyard,
sharp as a pirate's knife - cries I'd heard before,
and had prayed I'd never hear again. Trembling
in the nightmare of round-up day,

I'd watched Jack order them
pell mell into the fray, then the squeals
intensified against the barking with Rosie
desperately struggling to shake
her assailants off.

Finally, blood trickling and pain throbbing
around torn porcine ears and anus,
they had her where they wanted,
silent on the straw, except for the heart
pounding its last beats
traumatized from the terror
exhausted from exertions.
 
The cosset's dying look at Jack, long and bewildered,
while the hounds ran back to the master,
eager for their ears to be tickled.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  
 

FranktheFrank
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Re: No Voice -edit 1

#15 Post by FranktheFrank » 04 Apr 2019, 10:34

Thanks Michael
marvellous workshopping.

capricorn
Posts: 254
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: 'Rosebud' - Citizen Kane [edit 2 formerly No Voice]

#16 Post by capricorn » 05 Apr 2019, 15:35

I like your revision Frank and the change to 'bewildered' at the end - I think that word sums it all up very well.

I would nominate this, but notice there is no thread for this month??

Eira

FranktheFrank
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Re: 'Rosebud' - Citizen Kane [edit 2 formerly No Voice]

#17 Post by FranktheFrank » 05 Apr 2019, 18:38

Thanks Eira
You may still nominate here
When Michael posts at the end of month in Palaver I will accept
then it's up to the members votes.
Thank you again.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1515
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: 'Rosebud' - Citizen Kane [edit 2 formerly No Voice]

#18 Post by Michael (MV) » 06 Apr 2019, 09:24

 
I will commence the May IBPC 2019 thread @ Palaver after the Easter holiday, by the 28th if not a few days sooner.

Until then, keep a short list of your own.

Happy National Poetry Month 2019
the holiday season
for the creative class

8)

Michael (MV)


 
 
 
 

FranktheFrank
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Re: 'Rosebud' - Citizen Kane [edit 2 formerly No Voice]

#19 Post by FranktheFrank » 06 Apr 2019, 13:47

Have we missed out on the April competition Michael?

Michael (MV)
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Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: 'Rosebud' - Citizen Kane [edit 2 formerly No Voice]

#20 Post by Michael (MV) » 07 Apr 2019, 04:52

 
Hi Frank (et al),

Until you mentioned it, it had not occurred to me at all - I am shocked - I don't even recall that time of March/April having come around for the IBPC procedure.

That no one mentioned it before now, could that possibly indicate that the poets here were not available/eligible to represent WB for April IBPC? I'm only speculating that, of course.

"to err is human" - Please, I hope that you & the Block will be divine and forgive the memory lapse of an extended senior moment coupled w/ intense recollection of spring fevers from my concert-going days.

Too, I have evolved into a care-giver, and much of March was hospital, ER, doctor offices, pharmacy & related responsibilities for someone who has survived cancer, but since 2013 the chemo & radiation has left her with chronic health issues - Caring is a righteous way to be needed - it is poetry, too. The first week of April has been heavy on the clinical.


Now, re the April IBPC, I am checking to find out if there is time/possibility to remedy the situation.


I remember Spring evermore
but Spring finds me
nevermore a spring chicken


Thanks for understanding. Sincerely,

Michael (MV)

FranktheFrank wrote:
06 Apr 2019, 13:47
Have we missed out on the April competition Michael?
 







 

 

 
 

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1488
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
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Re: 'Rosebud' - Citizen Kane [edit 2 formerly No Voice]

#21 Post by FranktheFrank » 07 Apr 2019, 13:07

Yes, understandable Michael,
I think my note to Eira saying that you would recommend the end of the month was
the cause, it was already the 4th and I should have mentioned I was referring to April.

Senior moments are a fact of life for us septuagenarians. :)

Nothing to forgive, it happens.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1515
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: 'Rosebud' - Citizen Kane [edit 2 formerly No Voice]

#22 Post by Michael (MV) » 07 Apr 2019, 20:38

Hi Frank (et al),

"I will commence the May IBPC 2019 thread @ Palaver after the Easter holiday, by the 28th if not a few days sooner."
(http://www.the-writers-block.net/forum/ ... 875#p34873)

^^ Even at the time I wrote that, I still had not realized that I had forgotten the April.


In the last few years, and maybe subconsciously since my youth, I wonder/believe that humans weren't created for routine. Routine is stagnant; Life is dynamic, and creative - that's why I art (he art)

However, until the Lord delivers us from here with His Miracle Lift, we are not absolutely free from routine, yet.



Thanks, again for your understanding - that's kind and strong of you.


It's the advent of The Resurrection, National Poetry Month, National Library Week, and I have some good news to share on (or around) the 17th of April(you'll see why the 17th)

All is creative in the House of the Lord - like Our Father, like His children

play on as only children can

8)

Michael (MV)


FranktheFrank wrote:
07 Apr 2019, 13:07
Yes, understandable Michael,
I think my note to Eira saying that you would recommend the end of the month was
the cause, it was already the 4th and I should have mentioned I was referring to April.

Senior moments are a fact of life for us septuagenarians. :)

Nothing to forgive, it happens.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1488
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: 'Rosebud' - Citizen Kane [edit 2 formerly No Voice]

#23 Post by FranktheFrank » 17 Apr 2019, 21:40

Well done on your Honourable Mention Michael.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1515
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Innocence Lost

#24 Post by Michael (MV) » 03 May 2019, 03:20

an unconditional workshop suggestion --

"Innocence Lost" - not needed - too much abstraction -the image & voice of the allusion imply that.


Consider:

"Rosebud" -- Citizen Kane utters the name of his sled, given to him by his mother, before his death. The boy was playing with it when taken from her.


or maybe even less will suffice:

"Rosebud" -- Citizen Kane before his death utters the name of his boyhood sled, given to him by his mother.


Michael (MV)

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1488
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Innocence Lost

#25 Post by FranktheFrank » 03 May 2019, 17:09

Thanks Michael

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