John and Fanny

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 1283
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

John and Fanny

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 26 Mar 2019, 23:34

V2: title change only

John and Fanny


In Rome he refused to read her letters.
Her handwriting was heartbreaking.

As John fumbled through his trunk
Fanny had helped pack,
he found a strand of her hair

and began flinging his clothes
into the air--enveloped
by her scent.

John sighed. What could he do?
He knew his lungs,
twin assassins, were conspiring
to kill him.

Still, for a moment, Fanny
had leaned against him,
their hands like their futures
braided together.
V1:
John Keats and Fanny Brawne, In Love


In Rome he refused to read her letters.
Her handwriting was heartbreaking.

As John fumbled through his trunk
Fanny had helped pack,
he found a strand of her hair

and began flinging his clothes
into the air--enveloped
by her scent.

John sighed. What could he do?
He knew his lungs,
twin assassins, were conspiring
to kill him.

Still, for a moment, Fanny
had leaned against him,
their hands like their futures
braided together.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1547
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: John Keats and Fanny Brawne, In Love

#2 Post by Michael (MV) » 27 Mar 2019, 00:47

 
Hi Bob,

Seen the bio-film Bright Star?


"twin assassins" - potent metaphor for the apt precision -
and immediately prompts me to realize twin traitors, too, considering the pair were instruments of respiration

in keeping w/ the baggage image:

John sighed. What could he do?
He knew his breathing bags,
like twin assassins, were conspiring
to kill him.

^^ the image of a boxer comes to mind, too - but then Keats could be a pugilistic boy - hitting straight from his heart


TB:TKO bagged
by the betraying
breathing bags

Also strong in the subtext: the unfaithful lungs as a foil to the faithfulness of John Keats and Fanny Brawne


workshopping the intro as:

In Rome he refused to read her letters -
hand-written and heartbreaking.


Please, there is a stronger title - the current is like a space saver

John & Fanny weren't a sentimental couple(like Mary Shelly keeping the Heart of her husband)

^^ perhaps that's the title - John & Fanny or Fanny & John,

^^ simple & strong, like Bonnie & Clyde


Bob, Thanks for writing this & posting here; it has been a healthy part of my day.



the betrayal of respiration
can't conspire to kill the aspirations
conceived & created with Inspiration     8)   Michael (MV)

 

 
 
 
   
 

 

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1283
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: John Keats and Fanny Brawne, In Love

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 27 Mar 2019, 20:48

Thanks, Michael....I'm not devoted to the title...If you think "John & Fanny" is better, I will change it. Or if anyone can suggest a livelier title, I would seriously consider it. Bob

capricorn
Posts: 285
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: John and Fanny

#4 Post by capricorn » 29 Mar 2019, 04:00

A beautiful poem, Bob. I think John and Fanny is fine for the title. I love the last stanza - you always get the ending so right.

Eira

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1053
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: John and Fanny

#5 Post by Kenneth2816 » 29 Mar 2019, 09:38

Again, this is the genre you excel in. I see nothing to change

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1283
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: John and Fanny

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 30 Mar 2019, 20:21

Eira, Kenneth -- thank you...

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