Celestial Spectator (seperate stanzas)

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
capricorn
Posts: 382
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Celestial Spectator (seperate stanzas)

#1 Post by capricorn » 29 Mar 2019, 04:04

Celestial Spectator

Intent, I watch you congregate to pay
your last respects, reciting snips of script
like actors from an ill-remembered play,
attired in pious masks. I listen gripped

as timbres swell from favoured hymns I sang,
before a mass of tangles plagued my mind.
I weigh each wilted friendship with a pang
of melancholy. Desolate, I'd pined

for company and watched you pass my street
to pray for me in church. I longed to hear
your laughter, lift me from my window seat;
imprisoned there my life became austere.

Religiously you mouthed my name in prayer;
it’s now too late to demonstrate your care.

--------------------------------------------------------------
St2 L2 was:

before the plaque and tangles scourged my mind.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Celestial Spectator

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 29 Mar 2019, 07:08

This is good. I would break this into 2 stanzas, after cutting this line(which I don’t get):
I sang
before the plaque and tangles scourged my mind.

“tangles scourged my mind” is melodramatic and for me anyway obscure.

Break S1 after “hymns”... think about it.

This is so close

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Celestial Spectator

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 29 Mar 2019, 09:33

Wow. I agree about a stanza break.

capricorn
Posts: 382
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Celestial Spectator

#4 Post by capricorn » 30 Mar 2019, 01:53

BobBradshaw wrote:
29 Mar 2019, 07:08
This is good. I would break this into 2 stanzas, after cutting this line(which I don’t get):
I sang
before the plaque and tangles scourged my mind.

“tangles scourged my mind” is melodramatic and for me anyway obscure.

Break S1 after “hymns”... think about it.

This is so close
Thanks Bob,

As this is written in sonnet form, I have to be careful where I break stanzas - and I certainly can't break after 'hymns' as that is not the end of a line, so I have broken this into quatrains and a final couplet.

'plaque and tangles' - when they do an MRI to diagnose Alzheimer's/dementia, they look for ‘Plaques and Tangles’ in the brain. It’s a big sign of the Illness.My meaning is that she listened to the favourite hymns she sang, before she developed Alzheimer's.

I cannot remove any lines as it would ruin the sonnet form, but I can change the line. I'll think on it.

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 382
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Celestial Spectator

#5 Post by capricorn » 30 Mar 2019, 01:54

Kenneth2816 wrote:
29 Mar 2019, 09:33
Wow. I agree about a stanza break.
I've broken this into a few stanzas, Ken. Explanation given above to Bob.

Eira

Post Reply