Sneha ---"The Little Bird"

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Sneha ---"The Little Bird"

#1 Post by meenas17 » 29 Apr 2019, 15:54

The church bells ring.
The congregation begins.
Sneha and Lina walk together
in smocked frocks.

It is Easter - the resurrection of Jesus
St Anthony"s shrine sees large crowd.
Men of different faith attend
the sermon in harmony.

Jessica and Lina exchange
pleasantries. Happily they walk
towards the altar to receive the
Easter baskets.

A deafening noise
breaks the composure.
Smoke encircles
Deadly silence.

The fumes dissipate. Stand
witness to a ghastly carnage.
Bodies lay scattered' badly mutilated
Sneha lies dead.
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Sneha ---"The Little Bird"

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 29 Apr 2019, 17:17

This is well planned and formed Meena

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Sneha ---"The Little Bird"

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 29 Apr 2019, 21:51

I echo what Frank has said....nice poem

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Sneha ---"The Little Bird"

#4 Post by meenas17 » 01 May 2019, 13:49

Revision


The church bells ring.
The congregation begins.
Sneha and Lina walk together
in smocked frocks.

It is Easter - the resurrection of Jesus.
St Anthony"s shrine sees large crowd.
Men of different faith attend
the sermon in harmony.

Jessica and Lina exchange
pleasantries. Happily they walk
towards the altar to receive the
Easter baskets.

A deafening noise
breaks the composure.
Smoke encircles
Deadly silence.

The fumes dissipate. Stand
witness to a ghastly carnage.
Bodies lay scattered. Little
Sneha lies dead.


Original

The church bells ring.
The congregation begins.
Sneha and Lina walk together
in smocked frocks.

It is Easter - the resurrection of Jesus
St Anthony"s shrine sees large crowd.
Men of different faith attend
the sermon in harmony.

Jessica and Lina exchange
pleasantries. Happily they walk
towards the altar to receive the
Easter baskets.

A deafening noise
breaks the composure.
Smoke encircles
Deadly silence.

The fumes dissipate. Stand
witness to a ghastly carnage.
Bodies lay scattered' badly mutilated
Sneha lies dead.
meenas17

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Sneha ---"The Little Bird"

#5 Post by meenas17 » 01 May 2019, 13:56

Thanks Frank and Bob.
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Sneha ---"The Little Bird"

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 01 May 2019, 21:17

This revision really improves the flow...I like it:

Revision


The church bells ring.
The congregation begins.
Sneha and Lina walk together
in smocked frocks.

It is Easter - the resurrection of Jesus.
St Anthony"s shrine sees large crowd.
Men of different faith attend
the sermon in harmony.

Jessica and Lina exchange
pleasantries. Happily they walk
towards the altar to receive the
Easter baskets.

A deafening noise
breaks the composure.
Smoke encircles
Deadly silence.

The fumes dissipate. Stand
witness to a ghastly carnage.
Bodies lay scattered. Little
Sneha lies dead.

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Sneha ---"The Little Bird"

#7 Post by meenas17 » 02 May 2019, 12:55

Thanks Bob for the kind words.
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Sneha ---"The Little Bird"

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 02 May 2019, 20:30

This is good....as I said, there's a nice flow to it...a simplicity that like as well. I like the closing lines, too....but you have a typo...a single quotation mark after scattered....fyi

Bodies lay scattered' badly mutilated
Sneha lies dead.

Post Reply