Moonlit Garden

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meenas17
Posts: 564
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Moonlit Garden

#1 Post by meenas17 » 20 May 2019, 07:23

I am in a buffet,
laid out in a garden.
a pond besides
the stars twinkle.

The moon is full. Walks
with me towards the table
lights up a rows of dishes
exotic and delicious.

Salads, rice, roti,
potato fries, soup,
and many more. Veggies
being my staple food.

Curious turn towards
the other one, loaded
with fish fries, chicken, beef
The full moon hovers

Fish saute with salt
and pepper floats in vinegar
small and slender they look
the eyes emit no glow.

I take a chair near
the pond, the moon follows,
where a retinue of fish
dive and glisten,

The immediate contrast
dampens my spirit. My eyes
travel to the dish. I am done!
So is the moon!
meenas17

capricorn
Posts: 247
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Moonlit Garden

#2 Post by capricorn » 21 May 2019, 02:17

meenas17 wrote:
20 May 2019, 07:23

Love this one Meena - you are on a roll! A few thoughts below.

I Am in a buffet,
laid out in a garden.
a pond besides
the stars twinkle.

The moon is full. Walks
with me towards the table
lights up [a] rows of dishes
exotic and delicious.

Salads, rice, roti,
potato fries, soup,
and many more. Veggies
being my staple food.

Curious I turn towards
the other one, loaded
with fish fries, chicken, beef
The full moon hovers

Fish saute with salt
and pepper floats in vinegar
small and slender they look
the eyes emit no glow.

I take a chair near
the pond, the moon follows,
where a retinue of fish
dive and glisten,

I love the turn in the poem here, comparing the fish dishes to the live fish in the pond

The immediate contrast
dampens my spirit. My eyes
travel to the dish. I am [Am]done!
So [does] is the moon!

meenas17
Posts: 564
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Moonlit Garden

#3 Post by meenas17 » 21 May 2019, 17:58

Eira, thanks for commenting.
Your words encourage me.
I have edited the ones you suggested.
Thanks.
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1451
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Moonlit Garden

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 21 May 2019, 19:15

One of your best poems ever.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1159
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Moonlit Garden

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 21 May 2019, 20:24

Just lovely! I agree...one of your best...the humor is delicious

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1490
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Moonlit Garden

#6 Post by Michael (MV) » 21 May 2019, 23:07

 
Hi meenas,

I lost a lengthy workshopping - I'm getting good at that   :lol:


Eira has included some grammatical corrections in the last.


A quick recap:

This - midnight in the garden of good & evil poem - is an extended image of the moonlit garden; so utilize that title space with another word. phrase or image. To illustrate, I'm suggesting "spread."



Formally, recast as couplets(see example below); lose the linking verbs; moving quicker, but not rapidly by deleting the middle section, to the juxtaposition in this vanitas poem, referencing the "floating world" - but imply the loss of appetite that accompanies the contrast of life & death : dynamic & static.

Therefore,

"The immediate contrast
dampens my spirit"

^^ would not appear in the poem - Those lines are expository; furthermore "dampens my spirit" is cliché.


Below for you consideration & perusal. in the spirit of workshopping   8) Michael (MV)


Stars twinkle in a garden pond
alongside an evening buffet.

The full moon candle-lights the smorgasbord
beaconing me to exotic and delicious dishes.

or maybe as:

The full moon candle-lights the smorgasbord
escorting me to exotic and delicious dishes.


Salads, rice, roti,
potato fries, soup,
and many more. Veggies
being my staple food.

Curious turn towards
the other one, loaded
with fish fries, chicken, beef

^^ consider w/out these 2 stanzas


The moon hovers over a sauté of small & slender fish
floating in vinegar - wide-open eyes without glow.

I lounge in a chaise near the pond, relishing
a skinny-dipping retinue glistening in moonlight.

^^ esp references the floating world as a foil to the next stanza

Unexpectedly, my eyes flashback to the buffet fish, and I find
my appetite and the moon have abandoned me.


  
   
 

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