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I am in a buffet,
laid out in a garden.
a pond besides
the stars twinkle.

The moon is full. Walks
with me towards the table
lights up a rows of dishes
exotic and delicious.

Salads, rice, roti,
potato fries, soup,
and many more. Veggies
being my staple food.

Curious turn towards
the other one, loaded
with fish fries, chicken, beef
The full moon hovers

Fish saute with salt
and pepper floats in vinegar
small and slender they look
the eyes emit no glow.

I take a chair near
the pond, the moon follows,
where a retinue of fish
dive and glisten,

The immediate contrast
dampens my spirit. My eyes
travel to the dish. I am done!
So is the moon!

Eira, thanks for commenting.
Your words encourage me.
I have edited the ones you suggested.
Thanks.

One of your best poems ever.

Just lovely! I agree...one of your best...the humor is delicious

 
Hi meenas,

I lost a lengthy workshopping - I'm getting good at that  


Eira has included some grammatical corrections in the last.


A quick recap:

This - midnight in the garden of good & evil poem - is an extended image of the moonlit garden; so utilize that title space with another word. phrase or image. To illustrate, I'm suggesting "spread."



Formally, recast as couplets(see example below); lose the linking verbs; moving quicker, but not rapidly by deleting the middle section, to the juxtaposition in this vanitas poem, referencing the "floating world" - but imply the loss of appetite that accompanies the contrast of life & death : dynamic & static.

Therefore,

"The immediate contrast
dampens my spirit"

^^ would not appear in the poem - Those lines are expository; furthermore "dampens my spirit" is cliché.


Below for you consideration & perusal. in the spirit of workshopping   Michael (MV)


Stars twinkle in a garden pond
alongside an evening buffet.

The full moon candle-lights the smorgasbord
beaconing me to exotic and delicious dishes.

or maybe as:

The full moon candle-lights the smorgasbord
escorting me to exotic and delicious dishes.


Salads, rice, roti,
potato fries, soup,
and many more. Veggies
being my staple food.

Curious turn towards
the other one, loaded
with fish fries, chicken, beef

^^ consider w/out these 2 stanzas


The moon hovers over a sauté of small & slender fish
floating in vinegar - wide-open eyes without glow.

I lounge in a chaise near the pond, relishing
a skinny-dipping retinue glistening in moonlight.

^^ esp references the floating world as a foil to the next stanza

Unexpectedly, my eyes flashback to the buffet fish, and I find
my appetite and the moon have abandoned me.