"Newlyweds Start Life in the House of the Groom's Parents"

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SivaRamanathan
Posts: 985
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

"Newlyweds Start Life in the House of the Groom's Parents"

#1 Post by SivaRamanathan » 09 Jun 2019, 14:35

Edit 1

The partitioned Madras Terrace house
was just right for a family of three.

But the bride's family insisted on an attached bathroom
and not one of those vacant rooms.

So with the son getting married, a store room
adjacent to the bedroom.was transformed to a bathroom.

The girl's father ruminated, now that there is a bedroom
with an attached bath and the boy has also waited

for thirty two years, he said ,'yes' to the friends of friends,
‘let them come.’ And they came to 'see' the bride.

From the bride's side they not only saw the path leading to the house
taking hordes of relatives, they saw for themselves that there are trees

that keep you cool, specially the neem, and many many ancient trees;
there was also the sea breeze which carries the salt spray.

The daughter-in-law entered the small and neat
kitchen. She wondered if the tavas and pans of her dowry

would fit into this self sufficient kitchen, where the
rice flour liquid dough was stored to ferment, she had no clue.

Grandmother came in a wheel chair and said ,‘
’how like her own mother’s house it looked:

I kept thinking how long will this old house stand
before changing shape, a pentagonal room for the children,

perhaps. Instead,the girl, stayed back in her paternal house
and the boy came to live with her for ever after.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have heard how important mirrors are to a bedroom,
but an attached bathroom? The marriage got fixed.

The partitioned Madras Terrace house
with no concept of attached bathrooms

was alright for a family of three, but when
the boy was to get married,the house received a face lift;

a store room was transformed to the bath
adjacent to the bedroom.

The girl’s family had insisted on an attached bath
and not one of those vacant rooms.

The girl's father ruminated, now that there is a bedroom
with an attached bath and the boy has also waited

for thirty two years, he said ,'yes' to the friends of friends,
‘let them come.’ And they came to 'see' the bride.

From the bride's side they not only saw the path leading to the house
taking hordes of relatives, they saw for themselves that there are trees

that keep you cool, specially the neem, and many many ancient trees;
there was also the sea breeze which carries the salt spray.

The daughter-in-law entered the small and neat
kitchen. She wondered if the tavas and pans of her dowry

would fit into this self sufficient kitchen, where the
rice flour liquid dough was stored to ferment, she had no clue.

Grandmother came in a wheel chair and said ,‘
’how like her own mother’s house it looked:

I keep thinking how long will this old house stand
before changing shape, a pentagonal room for the children,

perhaps. Instead,the girl, stayed back in her paternal house
and the boy came to live with her for ever after.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1096
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Newly Married are Supposed to Start Their Marital Life in the Boy’s Parents’ House.

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 10 Jun 2019, 04:11

I love this. I don't understand all the cultural nuances, bit it's witty, colloquial.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1317
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Newly Married are Supposed to Start Their Marital Life in the Boy’s Parents’ House.

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 10 Jun 2019, 04:18

I agree... an excellent subject for a poem, and one that is handled well with gentleness and subtlety.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 985
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Newly Married are Supposed to Start Their Marital Life in the Boy’s Parents’ House.

#4 Post by SivaRamanathan » 10 Jun 2019, 05:52

Thanks Kenneth and Bob for reading this.It has to be edited. I will edit it, but the incentive to edit comes only when I post it here.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1506
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Newly Married are Supposed to Start Their Marital Life in the Boy’s Parents’ House.

#5 Post by FranktheFrank » 11 Jun 2019, 14:47

Siva

some queries some suggestions for your perusal:

try groom for boy in title

storeroom was converted to a bathroom

hollow room?

many many, why not many many many, or just many

carries sea salted air or sprayed sea salted air

self sufficient kitchen?

how it looked like her mother's house


SivaRamanathan
Posts: 985
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Newly Married are Supposed to Start Their Marital Life in the Boy’s Parents’ House.

#7 Post by SivaRamanathan » 17 Jun 2019, 13:04

Frank

I saw this only now.will work on it.

Thank you

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1506
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Newly Married are Supposed to Start Their Marital Life in the Boy’s Parents’ House.

#8 Post by FranktheFrank » 17 Jun 2019, 14:28

you are welcome Siva

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 985
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Newly Married are Supposed to Start Their Marital Life in the Groom's Parents’ House.

#9 Post by SivaRamanathan » 19 Jun 2019, 05:41

I have worked a little,but it still seems to be long winding and the the last line is not strong enough.

S

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1561
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Newly Married are Supposed to Start Their Marital Life in the Groom's Parents’ House.

#10 Post by Michael (MV) » 19 Jun 2019, 08:17

 
Hi Siva,


consider title as:

"Newlyweds Start Their Life in the House of the Groom's Parents"


I have heard how important mirrors are to a bedroom,
but an attached bathroom? The marriage got fixed.

^^ I don't read how those 2 lines are needed.

Workshop consider this casting for the opening:

The partitioned Madras Terrace house
was just right for a family of three.

But the bride's family insisted on an attached bath
and not one of those vacant rooms.

So with the son getting married, a store room
adjacent to the bedroom.was transformed to a bath.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1096
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Newly Married are Supposed to Start Their Marital Life in the Groom's Parents’ House.

#11 Post by Kenneth2816 » 19 Jun 2019, 09:28

Siva, the rambling is, in my opinion, how people would speak if telling this face to face .I wouldn't worry too much about workshop compression

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1506
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Traditionally Newlywed Couples Start Married Life in the Groom's Parents House

#12 Post by FranktheFrank » 19 Jun 2019, 16:39

You could further refine the title should you wish to:

Traditionally Newlywed Couples Start Married Life in the Groom's Parents House

Disagree with Michael on this, sorry Michael:

I think you mean bathroom, so suggest:

The bride's family insisted on an attached bathroom
not just a bath placed in a vacant room.

So with the son getting married, the room
next door was converted to a bathroom.

Lots for you to decide Siva, you are getting
all this for the price of one. :)

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 985
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: "Newlyweds Start Their Life in the House of the Groom's Parents"

#13 Post by SivaRamanathan » 19 Jun 2019, 22:09

Frank

I made the change for the 'bathroom', but not 'traditionally'.That is supposed to be understood.
Thank you for thinking of workshop ideas.

S

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1506
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: "Newlyweds Start Their Life in the House of the Groom's Parents"

#14 Post by FranktheFrank » 20 Jun 2019, 01:05

I understand Siva, it is your poem
and your preferences.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1506
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: "Newlyweds Start Their Life in the House of the Groom's Parents"

#15 Post by FranktheFrank » 24 Jun 2019, 16:19

It's looking good, but you could cut again if you wished:

The Madras Terrace house
was just right for a family of three.

But the bride's family insisted on an attached bathroom,
so a store room was converted into a bathroom.

the bride's family saw only the path leading to the house
and copses of trees that gave plenty of shade,

neem and some ancients too, there was a sea breeze
that splashed salt spray over the house that kept it cool.

The daughter-in-law wondered if the tavas and pans
of her dowry would fit into this rather neat kitchen,

where would she store: rice flour liquid dough to ferment.
[need a line here]

Grandmother came in a wheel chair and said ,‘
’How like her own mother’s house it looked.'

I kept thinking how long will this old house continue
to stand before changing shape, maybe a pentagonal room

for the children. Instead, the bride stayed in her paternal
home and the groom came to live with her family.

Siva, just some suggestions for you to mull over
your poem as always.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 985
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: "Newlyweds Start Their Life in the House of the Groom's Parents"

#16 Post by SivaRamanathan » 24 Jun 2019, 21:17

Thank you Frank.I rather like it,especially the copses of trees. I will think about the missing line.
It is
Where they stored the liquid dough,she had no idea.


This girl did not intend to live here.So where is the question of searching for a place to store the liquid dough.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1506
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: "Newlyweds Start Their Life in the House of the Groom's Parents"

#17 Post by FranktheFrank » 24 Jun 2019, 23:09

Glad you like, you weave it the way you want,
just a few ideas.

capricorn
Posts: 289
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: "Newlyweds Start Their Life in the House of the Groom's Parents"

#18 Post by capricorn » 29 Jun 2019, 00:10

Really like this poem, Siva and your revision has improved it well.
Eira

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1506
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: "Newlyweds Start Their Life in the House of the Groom's Parents"

#19 Post by FranktheFrank » 29 Jun 2019, 16:20

Siva
You could drop 'their' in the title
with no adverse effects.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 985
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: "Newlyweds Start Life in the House of the Groom's Parents"

#20 Post by SivaRamanathan » 29 Jun 2019, 20:46

Thanks.Edited.
S

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1096
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: "Newlyweds Start Life in the House of the Groom's Parents"

#21 Post by Kenneth2816 » 03 Jul 2019, 05:02

Siva. You have 3 nominations on this for IBPC

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 985
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: "Newlyweds Start Life in the House of the Groom's Parents"

#22 Post by SivaRamanathan » 03 Jul 2019, 06:30

What should I d? Say yes,but where? I seem to have forgotten.

S

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 985
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: "Newlyweds Start Life in the House of the Groom's Parents"

#23 Post by SivaRamanathan » 03 Jul 2019, 07:03

Thank you Kenneth for the alert. 'Ageing' proved and established.


meenas17
Posts: 654
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: "Newlyweds Start Life in the House of the Groom's Parents"

#25 Post by meenas17 » 03 Jul 2019, 16:49

Siva,
Great!
Three nominations.
Congrats!
meenas17

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