Big Band Theory V 2

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Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Big Band Theory V 2

#1 Post by Kenneth2816 » 12 Jun 2019, 15:54

Ten years before Goodman
and Dorsey saw light, the world
was cold as the bootleg five
cent beer they sell
down at the Cotton Club.

It's early and the joint is
quiet as a paid- off cop.
The odor of reefer and Pomade
mingles with the smell of sweat.

Seventeen horns and a rhythm section,
Lena Horne could almost
pass when backlit.


Immaculate in white coat and tails,
finger huge as God stabs
the air, Cab Galloway kicks it
all off: "Here's the story 'bout
Minnie the Moocher. She was
A low down hootchie goocher,
Hi De Hi De Hi De Ho."

I look in your eyes, see new
worlds collide, we glide
effortlessly across the floor.
Before us , there was nothing
but woodwinds and bassoon

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1368
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Big Band Theory V 2

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 12 Jun 2019, 23:55

Really like this... I like both versions... love this image

It's early and the joint is
quiet as a paid- off cop.

Nitpick: in the last stanza the tense changes from present to past

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Big Band Theory V 2

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 13 Jun 2019, 01:10

Your critique of the original made me want to dp better . That's the point. Bernie was that way. I sure miss him.

I may not be quite done. Most of my stuff, I never revise. I see no resolution to the change of tense

Thanks a ton Bob. I made a few more edits

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1368
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Big Band Theory V 2

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 13 Jun 2019, 21:03

The never mind and they say don’t work as well as some of the writing in the first version.... maybe replace the 3rd stanza with this from earlier?

Seventeen horns and a rhythm
section, Lena Horne could
almost pass when back-lit.

Also, “universe” ... would “world” work better, along with tweaking the end lines? Just thinking out loud

Ten years before Goodman
and Dorsey saw light, the world
was as cold as the bootleg
five cent beer they sell
down at the Cotton Club.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Big Band Theory V 2

#5 Post by Kenneth2816 » 13 Jun 2019, 21:23

I'm at the point here of not knowing. The more I add, the less the title makes sense. I'll take your suggestions though in 3rd stanza. Thanks so much Bob

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1368
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Big Band Theory V 2

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 14 Jun 2019, 01:30

Perhaps what has been lost is the contrast in the two worlds colliding, which you hinted at in v1.

So after the Horne stanza, contrast the couple: for example,
the girl’s history like Lena’s skin, almost flawless, the guy’s past a rap sheet thicker than the Gospel... or a bookie’s journal... you get the idea...

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Big Band Theory V 2

#7 Post by Kenneth2816 » 14 Jun 2019, 01:45

I see what you mean. I'm thinking about it more.....

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Big Band Theory V 2

#8 Post by Kenneth2816 » 16 Jun 2019, 07:06

I'm going with this as the final, good or bad.
Thanks for all the input.

Before there was light, before
the dawn of Dorsey and Goodman
there was only the Cotton Club
at Lennox and 146th, and the world
was cold as a glass of bootleg beer.

The odor of Pomade and reefer
mingles with the smell of sweat.
The joint is quiet as a paid off cop.

Finger huge as God stabs the air,
Immaculate in white coat
and tails Cab Calloway kicks it
off with "Minnie the Moocher".

Seventeen horns and a rhythm
section, Lena Horne could almost
pass when backlit.

In your eyes, new worlds collide.
We glide effortlessly on the floor.
Before us, there was nothing
but woodwinds and bassoon.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1368
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Big Band Theory V 2

#9 Post by BobBradshaw » 17 Jun 2019, 09:08

This is a lovely piece, as is....

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Big Band Theory V 2

#10 Post by Kenneth2816 » 17 Jun 2019, 09:42

I owe you a lot on this one, Bob.

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