Children Tour Monterey Bay Aquarium

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Children Tour Monterey Bay Aquarium

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 18 Jun 2019, 19:59

Children Tour Monterey Bay Aquarium

I dream of waving to my public, a blue diver
nosing up to the aquarium's glass
with her ruby gloves and neon tank.

Slowly, as if she's too cool to be hurried,
she cleans the glass with a squeegee,
a tiger shark cruising behind her.

Two bottlenose dolphins
hover over her shoulders,
as if expecting a selfie.

A harbor seal rushes up to kiss her.

Like my friends on the burn ward,
I would trade a lifetime of desserts
to be swimming in an indigo suit.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1573
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Children from a Burn Ward Tour Monterey Bay Aquarium

#2 Post by Michael (MV) » 19 Jun 2019, 00:23

 
Hi Bob,

Good to find, read & workshop this this Tuesday afternoon - Thanks. I love dolphins - sea dogs


workshop-share -


1/ a subject-verb agreement:

A harbor seals rushes up to kiss her.

or

Harbor seals rush up to kiss her.


2/ re the title & close

title as:

"Children Tour Monterey Bay Aquarium"

then with the close (which already links smoothly with the opening line/image:

Like my friends on the burn ward,
I would trade a lifetime of desserts
to be swimming in an indigo suit.


^^ Such powerful symbolism - and the way it makes its splash, like a dolphin suddenly breaking surface & suspended in mid air
And the speaker had no idea of the Vision waiting to be experienced - that surfaced from the aquarium.

As Michelangelo said: "The artist doesn't have a concept."

but the artist is perceptive to the clue


8)

Michael (MV)

 

 

 
  
 
 

 
 

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1003
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Children from a Burn Ward Tour Monterey Bay Aquarium

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 19 Jun 2019, 05:49

Loved reading this Bob. I too was able to spot the harbour seals,collective noun.The images are bright and breath-taking.There is enough momentum of surprise.It also passes off as casual,therein lies the beauty.

S

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Children from a Burn Ward Tour Monterey Bay Aquarium

#4 Post by Kenneth2816 » 19 Jun 2019, 09:17

A unique premise for a poem, splendidly done.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1532
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Children from a Burn Ward Tour Monterey Bay Aquarium

#5 Post by FranktheFrank » 19 Jun 2019, 16:41

Agree with Siva lovely to read.
Michael about sums it up.
Well done, you continue
on a roll Bob.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Children from a Burn Ward Tour Monterey Bay Aquarium

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 19 Jun 2019, 19:48

Thanks, Michael -- I have made some of your suggested revisions.
Kenneth, Siva, Frank - thank you so much for your thoughts...generous...Siva, I can't thank you enough

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Children from a Burn Ward Tour Monterey Bay Aquarium

#7 Post by Kenneth2816 » 03 Jul 2019, 13:41

I'm predicting a place in IBPC on this Bob. Bet money.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Children from a Burn Ward Tour Monterey Bay Aquarium

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 07 Jul 2019, 06:17

Thx, Ken, I appreciate your optimism and support

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