Partnering

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Partnering

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 21 Jul 2019, 09:48

v2:
Partnering


Dressed in tutus
of sumptuous oranges,
reds and pinks, the ladies
pose en pointe à la pirouette
as if photographers
were hidden in the rushes.
They promenade gracefully,
like the rich at country clubs
wanting to be noticed.
These flamingos rest, wade, glide
between appetizers of shrimp.
The debutantes, lovely
and gossipy like their mothers
take slow steps
together, hoping to catch
the eyes of those bachelors
wading the shallows.
When the lads lift their eyes
at them, the girls--knowing
the routine--shyly dip
their elegant black
bills.


V1:


Mating Flamingos


Dressed in sumptuous oranges,
reds and pinks, the ladies
pose, each standing on one leg
as if photographers
were hidden in the rushes.
They move slowly, like
the rich at country clubs,
wanting to be noticed.
They rest, wade, swim
between appetizers of shrimp.
Their daughters, lovely
and gossipy, take slow steps
together, hoping to catch
the eyes of those bachelors
wading the shallows.
When the lads lift their eyes
at them, the girls--knowing
the routine--shyly dip
their elegant black
bills.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1573
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Mating Flamingos

#2 Post by Michael (MV) » 21 Jul 2019, 16:35

A joy to read this Sunday morning

Personification is usually outmoded for contemporary poetry, yet your poem reads that it is not outlawed. I believe that is an extension of your mastery of the persona-poem.

more discovery for reader if "flamingos" is not already stated in the title, which I'm suggesting as "partnering," in keeping with personifying the dance motif.

instead of

"pose, each standing on one leg"

consider that ballet position en pointe,
the pirouette

To expedite, I'll illustrate in toto,
for your perusal & consideration.
In the early stages keep the line between the literal & the figurative blurred - I hopr this enhances to the delight of this poem.

Dressed in tutus
of sumptuous oranges,
reds and pinks, the ladies
pose en pointe à la pirouette
as if photographers
were hidden in the rushes.
They promenade gracefully,
the rich at country clubs
noting to be noticed.
They rest, wade, glide
between appetizers of shrimp.
The debutantes, lovely
and gossipy like their mothers
take slow steps
together, hoping to catch
the eyes of those bachelors
wading the shallows.
When the lads lift their eyes
at them, the girls--knowing
the routine--shyly dip
their elegant black
bills.

This also occurs to me as a possibility for the finale:

the routine--shyly dip
elegant bills, the color
of the little black dress.


And I have enjoyed workshopping your poem, Bob

recalls to me a line from a cinquain-poem I
wrote about Stevie Nicks:

"perfumed in costumes as colorful as
Colette"

and, as if that is not enough. 🙂
also reminds me of the video to her song,
"Everyday" - although in reference here I'm specifically referring to the swan scenes, the song & video appeal to moe. The lyrics themselves remind me of a davidic psalm


on this Sunday July 21st

😎

Michael

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Mating Flamingos

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 21 Jul 2019, 20:47

I really like your ideas, Michael. "Partnering" for the title sounds good. I like your opening a lot...question, should it be pose en pointe or pose en pointe a la pirouette? I also find the little black dress intriguing, but can't decide if it works better or not. Thank you for your work...your ideas are very welcomed! Bob

Dressed in tutus
of sumptuous oranges,
reds and pinks, the ladies
pose en pointe à la pirouette

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Mating Flamingos

#4 Post by capricorn » 22 Jul 2019, 02:42

What a beautiful poem, Bob. I loved it from the start.

Dressed in tutus
of sumptuous oranges,
reds and pinks, the ladies
pose en pointe à la pirouette
as if photographers


What gorgeous imagery!

I can offer no suggestions better than Michael offered.

Eira

meenas17
Posts: 683
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Mating Flamingos

#5 Post by meenas17 » 22 Jul 2019, 18:24

It is beautiful,
The colourful promenade calls attention.
The lines that depict young ones waiting to be noticed by bachelors fascinate.
The ending is lovely.
Thanks, Bob, Enjoyed.
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Partnering

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 22 Jul 2019, 20:10

Thank you again, Michael. Eira, Meenas, I appreciate your fondness for this.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Partnering

#7 Post by Kenneth2816 » 23 Jul 2019, 05:50

Good imagery. My late wife was an accomplished ballet dancer so I can appreciate the terminology

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Partnering

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 23 Jul 2019, 07:23

Michael came up with the ballet reference...thanks, Michael

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