Not The Familiar Gautama

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meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Not The Familiar Gautama

#1 Post by meenas17 » 02 Aug 2019, 19:38

who gained wisdom
quiet young, the one
zealous, possesses a
Midas touch. He buys
in a frenzy, invests
with a craze.


Not a prince as the earlier one,
Gautama, from a well to do family,
starts life with few thousands
from his father. Does not make
much of a success, being
mediocre in all.

As luck would have it
he marries into a political
family. Money from all avenues,
mostly unknown, places him
in a vantage status.

Passion to earn translates
to an avaricious pursuit. He
Dabbles in plantations, software,
infrastructure, cafe.
Grows huge in stature.

The unbridled enthusiasm
strikes with a baton.
Debts rise, Investors nag.
Department inquiries unearth
his manipulations. depleted
of resources he stays broken.

Tempestuous rains batter
voracious winds hamper
being real and virtual
Gautama jumps from
the bridge.

The overwhelming waters
devour him, allow him
not to rise, he drowns.
The tide takes him to
the shore.

An enlightenment
in the realms of water.
meenas17

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Not The Familiar Gautama

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 03 Aug 2019, 06:18

Wow. What a timeless tale. Well paced and held my interest throughout.

Kadaneri has won nomination to IBPC Just so you know

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Not The Familiar Gautama

#3 Post by Billy » 05 Aug 2019, 07:47

I'm mixed up in places but overall good tale. The last two lines are mysterious and important.

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Not The Familiar Gautama

#4 Post by meenas17 » 05 Aug 2019, 18:50

Thanks, Ken.
I saw the nomination by Bob and you have seconded.
I have posted two versions of Kadaneri. Please help me to find which reads better.
meenas17

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Not The Familiar Gautama

#5 Post by meenas17 » 05 Aug 2019, 18:50

Billy,
Thanks for liking the poem.
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Not The Familiar Gautama

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 05 Aug 2019, 20:52

A good subject...but tightening would help...as in these 3 lines...too telling...give us the same impression in an image or two...make us feel his mediocrity, his sense of failure. So look to tighten wherever you can...and dramatize the last 2 lines...using an image....something like? "...debris, discarded by the water, thrown up onto a weedy bank, enlightened..." well, too wordy, but you get the idea.
The poem has a really good future....just needs polishing, etc...

Does not make
much of a success, being
mediocre in all.

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