Find's His Pride

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Cormack
Posts: 5
Joined: 05 Jan 2006, 02:13
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Find's His Pride

#1 Post by Cormack » 04 Sep 2019, 08:04

(note: this poem is a reaction to the S13 season finale of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia)

Find's His Pride

A demon glances upwards, hesitant
the angel falls, liquid walls, the dance mauls
my eyes gaze. Breathe. Breathe. . . . .
It's okay. It's okay. It's. . .

Meandering babble, sitting water,
lovely reflections murder my brother.

Kissing Asps, dangling blades, sand storms: It's death.

Idiot. I am a fish. It's okay.

I mayest glance up, glance down. Laze onwards.

It's okay. It's okay. Wash me away.
Tear open my chest, rip out my beating.

I tear upwards. I fall. I am liquid.
It's okay. Dance. It's okay idiot.

I dance. Death idiot. It's okay. Smile.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1178
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Find's His Pride

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 04 Sep 2019, 12:16

Cormack. Glad to see someone new posting. I have no frame of reference never having seen that show, so I don't feel I can offer much. I do think "mayest" is clunky and impedes the poem. Look forward to reading more of your work

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1392
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Find's His Pride

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 04 Sep 2019, 20:16

I echo Ken... great to have another poet here. I like some of the phrases, especially “I am a fish”...I am liquid”.
Ken is right... toss “Mayest”. I have only seen a couple of the shows... thought they were original and funny... but having only seen 2 shows, I am not qualified to comment on the poem’s topic... keep posting!

Cormack
Posts: 5
Joined: 05 Jan 2006, 02:13
Contact:

Re: Find's His Pride

#4 Post by Cormack » 05 Sep 2019, 18:44

Hey guys- thank you for the feedback. Mayest was a reference to East of Eden- may be tough to find another word, but if you have suggestions- that would be awesome.

I will try to show up with more frequency, I think the last time I popped in to give others feedback was a couple years ago.

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