Let Go

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 1387
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Let Go

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 07 Sep 2019, 20:50

V2:

Let Go


I'm like a violin player
reading the notes ahead
on my perched sheet,

even as I’m scraping faster
and faster, determined
to catch up with the notes.

How could I have expected
turning towards the kitchen
to whisk up an omelet,
as I do every morning,

to see you toppled
over onto the linoleum,
your doggy paws curled
and quivering?

Even now I'm shaken
by how your body
quivered like a bow's string

when it has been pulled
taut--and suddenly
let go.



V1:
Let Go


I'm like a violin player
reading the notes ahead
on my perched sheet,

even as I’m scraping faster
and faster, determined
to catch up with the notes
yet to be played,

the future always there
in front of me...

How could I have foreseen
turning towards the kitchen
to whisk up an omelet,
as I do every morning,

to see you toppled
over onto the linoleum,
your doggy paws curled
and shaking like
small fists?

Even now I'm shaken
by how your body
quivered like a bow's string

when it has been pulled
taut--and suddenly
let go.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1178
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Let Go

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 07 Sep 2019, 22:02

I think this is a universal poem in that I'm sure everyone who has lost a pet probably processes just like this. Last November, my cat died in s house fire that was my fault. Thank you for this.

Suggestions:in S 2, I would stop on notes, cut everything that follows and take up again with How could I....

It's implied that catching up with notes signifies a lapse in the violinist .How could I have known....mskes " the future always there in front of me" redundant.

The backdrop of violin, bow, omelet all work well
The poem is the angst, and you must use discretion you don't overpower the last 3 stanzas with minutiae.

I would also consider another word combo rather than forseen/to see.

This is good work

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1178
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Let Go

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 07 Sep 2019, 22:11

BobBradshaw wrote:
07 Sep 2019, 20:50
Let Go


I'm like a violin player
reading from
my perched sheet,

even as I’m scraping faster
and faster, determined
to catch up with the notes.


How could I have foreseen
turning towards the kitchen
to whisk up an omelet,
as I do every morning,

to see you toppled
over onto the linoleum,
your doggy paws curled
and shaking like
small fists?

Even now I'm shaken
by how your body
quivered like a bow's string

when it has been pulled
taut--and suddenly
let go.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1387
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Let Go

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 07 Sep 2019, 22:38

Ken, I love your suggestions. I will repost with them. The poem is much better with your cuts. Thank you

I am sorry to hear about your cat. We lost our cat, and go was nearly 20 years old, awhile back.... heartbreaking

meenas17
Posts: 685
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Let Go

#5 Post by meenas17 » 08 Sep 2019, 10:38

The poem I would have written,

Playing on the violin,
trying to master the notes,
I scrape faster and faster.

Walking towards the kitchen
to whisk an omelet as usual,
I did not expect
to see you toppled,

over onto the linoleum,
your doggy paws curled
and shaking like
small fists?

I tremble even now
seeing your body
quivering like
a bow's string.

when it has been pulled
taut--and suddenly
let go.

I have attempted to make certain changes, Bob.
Usually I do not do.
Hope it helps.
meenas17

capricorn
Posts: 300
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Let Go

#6 Post by capricorn » 13 Sep 2019, 02:40

I like the way you have used the violin in this, Bob.

It's always tough losing a pet. I've lost many. They are like family.

Eira

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1387
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Let Go

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 13 Sep 2019, 05:10

I like your suggestions, how you have simplified the poem, meenas... thank you...

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1576
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Let Go

#8 Post by Michael (MV) » 13 Sep 2019, 06:02

letting go


"quiiver" belongs in this poem; and "shake" would'nt occur 2x


admiral, Bob, how you play the violin as a literary instrument

😎

Michael (MV)

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1387
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Let Go

#9 Post by BobBradshaw » 13 Sep 2019, 09:54

good point, Michael.....I'll change shaking to quivering

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