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Let Go

Posted: 07 Sep 2019, 20:50
by BobBradshaw
V2:

Let Go


I'm like a violin player
reading the notes ahead
on my perched sheet,

even as I’m scraping faster
and faster, determined
to catch up with the notes.

How could I have expected
turning towards the kitchen
to whisk up an omelet,
as I do every morning,

to see you toppled
over onto the linoleum,
your doggy paws curled
and quivering?

Even now I'm shaken
by how your body
quivered like a bow's string

when it has been pulled
taut--and suddenly
let go.



V1:
Let Go


I'm like a violin player
reading the notes ahead
on my perched sheet,

even as I’m scraping faster
and faster, determined
to catch up with the notes
yet to be played,

the future always there
in front of me...

How could I have foreseen
turning towards the kitchen
to whisk up an omelet,
as I do every morning,

to see you toppled
over onto the linoleum,
your doggy paws curled
and shaking like
small fists?

Even now I'm shaken
by how your body
quivered like a bow's string

when it has been pulled
taut--and suddenly
let go.

Re: Let Go

Posted: 07 Sep 2019, 22:02
by Kenneth2816
I think this is a universal poem in that I'm sure everyone who has lost a pet probably processes just like this. Last November, my cat died in s house fire that was my fault. Thank you for this.

Suggestions:in S 2, I would stop on notes, cut everything that follows and take up again with How could I....

It's implied that catching up with notes signifies a lapse in the violinist .How could I have known....mskes " the future always there in front of me" redundant.

The backdrop of violin, bow, omelet all work well
The poem is the angst, and you must use discretion you don't overpower the last 3 stanzas with minutiae.

I would also consider another word combo rather than forseen/to see.

This is good work

Re: Let Go

Posted: 07 Sep 2019, 22:11
by Kenneth2816
BobBradshaw wrote:
07 Sep 2019, 20:50
Let Go


I'm like a violin player
reading from
my perched sheet,

even as I’m scraping faster
and faster, determined
to catch up with the notes.


How could I have foreseen
turning towards the kitchen
to whisk up an omelet,
as I do every morning,

to see you toppled
over onto the linoleum,
your doggy paws curled
and shaking like
small fists?

Even now I'm shaken
by how your body
quivered like a bow's string

when it has been pulled
taut--and suddenly
let go.

Re: Let Go

Posted: 07 Sep 2019, 22:38
by BobBradshaw
Ken, I love your suggestions. I will repost with them. The poem is much better with your cuts. Thank you

I am sorry to hear about your cat. We lost our cat, and go was nearly 20 years old, awhile back.... heartbreaking

Re: Let Go

Posted: 08 Sep 2019, 10:38
by meenas17
The poem I would have written,

Playing on the violin,
trying to master the notes,
I scrape faster and faster.

Walking towards the kitchen
to whisk an omelet as usual,
I did not expect
to see you toppled,

over onto the linoleum,
your doggy paws curled
and shaking like
small fists?

I tremble even now
seeing your body
quivering like
a bow's string.

when it has been pulled
taut--and suddenly
let go.

I have attempted to make certain changes, Bob.
Usually I do not do.
Hope it helps.

Re: Let Go

Posted: 13 Sep 2019, 02:40
by capricorn
I like the way you have used the violin in this, Bob.

It's always tough losing a pet. I've lost many. They are like family.

Eira

Re: Let Go

Posted: 13 Sep 2019, 05:10
by BobBradshaw
I like your suggestions, how you have simplified the poem, meenas... thank you...

Re: Let Go

Posted: 13 Sep 2019, 06:02
by Michael (MV)
letting go


"quiiver" belongs in this poem; and "shake" would'nt occur 2x


admiral, Bob, how you play the violin as a literary instrument

😎

Michael (MV)

Re: Let Go

Posted: 13 Sep 2019, 09:54
by BobBradshaw
good point, Michael.....I'll change shaking to quivering