I Could Only Write This Today

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
User avatar
Billy
Posts: 952
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

I Could Only Write This Today

#1 Post by Billy » 25 Oct 2019, 06:02

I Could Only Write This Today

I lie down
next to my father
we're looking up into the sky

a few drifting clouds
and the blue of forgetfulness.
I feel him thinking

like when I was a kid.
He'd be planning some new venture,
the one to make us rich.

Different this time in a way I'd never felt.
He's grey. He doesn't get up,
as if he's looking beyond

the thin veil of what can be in morning light.
I get up and move on. He's a part, now,
of something bigger than himself.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1178
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: I Could Only Write This Today

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 25 Oct 2019, 06:54

Wistful. Good insight into the man with just a few words This reads as if father has passed, but huge chunks 9f him remain with N. I think this is an intelligent piece

judyt547
Posts: 131
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
Contact:

Re: I Could Only Write This Today

#3 Post by judyt547 » 25 Oct 2019, 07:26

I had to read it more than once to get the shape of it. Carefully done.

I think if'n it were mine I'd eliminate "seems" from the fourth stanza.
"seems" and "as if" are really the same thing, spelled differently. =)

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 952
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: I Could Only Write This Today

#4 Post by Billy » 25 Oct 2019, 07:50

Thanks Kenneth.

Oh, you are so right, Judy, I wrote this directly into the post without rewrite, so it needs some touch-up. I just like to get stuff out, sometimes it doesn't need anything. I'll delete the "Seems". I've been trying to avoid a lot of nonessential words like: but, just, seems, etc., etc., etc.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1500
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: I Could Only Write This Today

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 25 Oct 2019, 08:54

Terrific poem, Billy....kudos

judyt547
Posts: 131
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
Contact:

Re: I Could Only Write This Today

#6 Post by judyt547 » 26 Oct 2019, 03:43

Billy, it's okay. Read what you write outloud, that's one sure way of catching most of the nits
before they ever get posted. For a first draft, this is excellent.

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 952
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: I Could Only Write This Today

#7 Post by Billy » 28 Oct 2019, 21:51

Another site has nominated it for IBPC. Thanks for commenting Bob andJudy.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1596
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: I Could Only Write This Today

#8 Post by Michael (MV) » 29 Oct 2019, 17:33

Hi Bob

Title is esp integral here


Workshop-share -

He's grey, doesn't get up,
and he's looking beyond 


At the finale I'm hearing:

I get up and move on. He's a part, now, 
of something bigger than us both


Congrats on the nom-nod.
Does that mean that you will not have a poem available to represent The Writer's Block this current IBPC?

That is, are you going to represent for another IBPC board, and need not be considered for representing the WB.

Thanks, Billy

😎

Michael (MV)

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 952
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: I Could Only Write This Today

#9 Post by Billy » 31 Oct 2019, 19:08

Thanks Michael, I will consider your suggestion.
I am representing another board. I haven't been nominated here anyway.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1178
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: I Could Only Write This Today

#10 Post by Kenneth2816 » 31 Oct 2019, 20:48

Bob nominated you

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 952
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: I Could Only Write This Today

#11 Post by Billy » 31 Oct 2019, 22:16

Oh I see that, but yes I’m with other board

Post Reply

Return to “Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang”