The Darker Side of Watermelons

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 1529
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

The Darker Side of Watermelons

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 01 Feb 2020, 23:14

The Darker Side of Watermelons


Rows of watermelons dozed in bins,
assured of their future
as students on full scholarship.
Days later they came
crashing down.

Witnesses
leaped back
as the watermelons
wobbled left
down a sloping road.

We followed
as they zigzagged for the beach.

One man reported glancing
in his rear view mirror--
waves of them
thumping his bumper--

how they surrounded him,
a gang of bikers.

We found them lying on the beach,
docile sun bathers.

We transported them back
in our truck—
our vehicle suddenly
a charter bus for delinquents.

A sporting event. R&R.
They were like kids
having their fun, no harm
intended, said one woman.

Yet now when we pass them,
we give them a wide berth…
No hint of their bad boy
behavior is apparent:

clean, respectable
in their pinstripes,
they are harmless students
on graduation day,

listening intently
to a commencement speech,
the speaker assuring them

the world lies before them
like an open road.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1130
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: The Darker Side of Watermelons

#2 Post by SivaRamanathan » 03 Feb 2020, 07:04

Bob
Everything is fine except the 'sweetly',which sounds cloyed. Do newborns sleep sweetly? Surely you can replace it with another word that comes to that effect. Also avoid 'as' ---'-as. with one word and not two words. 'Dash newborns',not dash dash newborns.

They were 'like' kids
to
they were kids


they look as harmless as students
on graduation day,

to

They are harmless students
on graduation day

Long ago in 77, I had a poem about pineapples flying in Tutor's lane and rose petals marching down Palayam Street,and one critic ,aProfessor from a college,said it was a communist poem. I just thought about that ,now.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1130
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: The Darker Side of Watermelons

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 03 Feb 2020, 07:08

They were 'like' kids
to
they were kids







they look as harmless as students
on graduation day,

to

They are harmless students
on graduation day

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1130
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: The Darker Side of Watermelons

#4 Post by SivaRamanathan » 03 Feb 2020, 07:22

The Darker Side of Watermelons


Rows of watermelons dozed in bins
{as sweetly as } newborns, (replace with one word)
but days later they came
crashing down.

Witnesses
leaped back
as the watermelons
made a left turn
down a sloping road.

We followed
as they zigzagged for the beach.

One man reported glancing
in his rear view mirror
waves of them
banging against his bumper

throwing rounded elbows
against his side doors, surrounding
him like a gang of bikers.

We found them lying on the beach,
docile [as] sun bathers. (Docile sunbathers)

We transported them back
in our trucks—
our vehicle suddenly
a charter bus for delinquents.

A sporting event. R&R.
They were [like] kids (They were kids)
having their fun, no harm
intended, said one woman.

Yet now when we pass them,
we give them a wide berth…
No hint of their bad boy
behavior is apparent:

clean, respectable
in their pinstripes,
they [look ][as] harmless [as] students (They are harmless students)
on graduation day,

listening quietly
to a commencement speech,
the speaker telling them
what they want to hear:

the world lies before them
like an open road.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1130
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: The Darker Side of Watermelons

#5 Post by SivaRamanathan » 03 Feb 2020, 09:09

Bob

This is a surreal poem,half dream-half real and some of the lines are brilliant. Will come to it later in the day.

Siva

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1130
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: The Darker Side of Watermelons

#6 Post by SivaRamanathan » 03 Feb 2020, 09:58

The Darker Side of Watermelons


Rows of watermelons dozed in bins
------------- newborns (nestled) (curled up)
but days later they came
crashing down.

Witnesses
leaped back
as the watermelons
made a left turn
down a sloping road.

We followed
as they zigzagged for the beach.

One man reported glancing
in his rear view mirror
waves of them
banging against his bumper

throwing rounded elbows
against his side doors, surrounding
him like a gang of bikers.

We found them lying on the beach
docile sun bathers

transported them back
in our trucks—
our vehicle suddenly
a charter bus for delinquents.

A sporting event. R&R.
They were kids
having their fun, no harm
intended, said one woman.

Yet now when we pass them,
we give them a wide berth…
no hint of their bad boy
behavior is apparent:

clean, respectable
in their pinstripes,
they are harmless students
on graduation day,

listening quietly
to a commencement speech,
the speaker telling them
what they want to hear:

the world lies before them
an open road.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1529
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Darker Side of Watermelons

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 04 Feb 2020, 04:28

Thx, Suva.... I will use your suggestions. I have tweaked the piece. A poem drafted a few years back, that I wanted to work on...

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