Sunrise on the Cauvery at Pugalur

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SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1096
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Sunrise on the Cauvery at Pugalur

#1 Post by SivaRamanathan » 10 Feb 2020, 23:15

I thought I was going to be submerged
and dead. But the train kept going over track.

2 tmcft water was released at Mettur Dam, February 6th
8 pm, to save the standing crops from drying up.

I see the sun rise, hear the heavy heaving sound
of sand-stealers. Every government needs

its TASMAC and sand business, I suppose.
They keep their oxen healthy.

The oxen are driven to the river, they have to walk
across the water with cartloads of wet sand,
they have to pull the load out of the water.

I fail to notice the white birds with brown wings.
I turn a blind eye to the laboring animals.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1496
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Sunrise At Pugalur

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 11 Feb 2020, 21:38

I like this. I would replace "to be submerged and dead" with "to drown". I would add "the" before track. I would cut "I suppose".
I have a question....Do the oxen actually walk across the water? Or through it?

These are minor questions or nits. I like the closing couplet a lot. Although being picky I wonder how you can "turn a blind eye to the laboring animals" when you have carefully described their labor in the preceding stanza. Maybe start the last line with "I try to turn ...."?
Something to consider....

Overall, as I said, I enjoyed it.

just playing:
The oxen, driven to the river, cross it,
dragging cartloads of wet sand, heaving
load after load out of the water...

I know ....you wouldn't want to use "heaving" twice in the same poem....so one heave would have to be replaced...

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1096
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Sunrise on the Cauvery at Pugalur

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 11 Feb 2020, 22:28

Bob
I will work on it tomorrow .Thanks
S

capricorn
Posts: 333
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Sunrise on the Cauvery at Pugalur

#4 Post by capricorn » 15 Feb 2020, 23:10

Bob has given some great suggestions here, Siva. I look forward to your revision. I like this very much.

Eira

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1096
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Sunrise on the Cauvery at Pugalur

#5 Post by SivaRamanathan » 17 Feb 2020, 20:47

I thought I was going to drown.
But the train kept going over the track.

2 tmcft water was released at Mettur Dam,
February 6th, 8 pm to save the standing crops

from drying up. I hear the heavy heaving sound
of sand-stealers. Every government needs

its TASMAC and sand business.
They keep their oxen healthy.

The oxen, driven to the river, cross it,
dragging cartloads of wet sand, heaving

load after load out of the water..
I fail to notice the white birds with brown wings.

I try to turn a blind eye to the laboring animals
Instead, I see the sun rise.

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