(Reworked)Paperfall

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SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1133
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

(Reworked)Paperfall

#1 Post by SivaRamanathan » 29 Feb 2020, 21:57

V4
Paperfall (Reworked)

1
The speed of the falling paper
cascades in an arc.

The Japanese girl
shredding A4 paper is speechless.

Her performance of white cataract
matching her fluffy gown.

11
Lady! Looking so intense
steadfast with scissors

amplified sound that paperflows
and pyramids as a cone,

on the ground, a thin trickle
tributary of paper-river, the chosen path.

Sachico Abe sits atop a building
letting fall feathery strands width of 0.5. mm.

For fifteen years she has meditated thus.
The asylum my mother was in, hid the sharp pointed.

Is this real or surreal, such serene mental balance
meditation that only the innocent can get addicted to.

I look at the house and the paint
she has to be outside, so she can be watched.

‘Shredding’ is being amplified into speakers,
it is the sound of slashing scissors.

Feathery strands of vanilla
transport to an alternate universe.

iii
I re- look at the stone mansion
at the pale blue windows.

There is a step ladder—
wooden and idyllic.

I visited the Mission hospital once as a child
Amma was laid out post shock on a stretcher

I thought I was in a mortuary.
That night I never slept.

https://mymodernmet.com/sachiko-abe-cut-paper/


V3
1
The speed of the falling paper
cascades in an arc.

The Japanese girl is
shredding A4 paper

white as
her fluffy gown.

11
Lady! Looking so intense
steadfast with scissors

white cataract,
that flows in a river

on the ground, a thin trickle
the path it has chosen.

Abe is the performer
for fifteen years she has meditated thus.

I look at the house and the paint
she has to be out, so she can be watched

‘Shredding’ is being amplified into speakers,
it is the sound of slashing scissors.

Feathery strands as thin as 0.5mm
transport to an alternate universe.

iii
I look at the stone mansion
the pale blue windows.

There is a step ladder—
wooden and idyllic.

This serene and insane artist
has continued her asylum habit.

Surreal pillars pyramiding into the balcony
Sachico Abe, dreamlike, sits atop a building.


https://mymodernmet.com/sachiko-abe-cut-paper/
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
V2

1
The speed of the falling paper
cascades in an arc.

The Japanese girl is
shredding A4 paper

the same colour as
her fluffy dress.

11
Lady! Looking so intense
steadfast with scissors

white cataract,
that flows in a fall

on the ground a thin trickle
the path it has chosen.

Who is the painter
what his art?

I look at the house and the paint
what brings her out?

‘Shredding’ is painted so well,
it is self-contained.

iii
I look at the stone mansion
the pale blue windows.

There is a step ladder—
wooden and idyllic.

Is she in her right senses
serene and insane?

I remember this painting.
forget Sachico Abe, the artist.

1
The speed of the falling paper
cascades in an arc.

The Japanese girl is
shredding A4 paper

the same colour as
her fluffy dress.

11
Lady! Looking so intense
steadfast with scissors

white cataract,
that flows in a fall

on the ground a thin trickle
the path it has chosen.

Who is the painter
what his art?

I look at the house and the paint
what brings her out?

‘Shredding’ is painted so well,
it is self-contained.

iii
I look at the stone mansion
the pale blue windows.

There is a step ladder—
wooden and idyllic.

I remember Sachico Abe
forget that this is a performance.

Is she in her right senses
serene and insane?




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------





1
The speed of the falling paper
cascades in an arc.

The Japanese girl is
in the act of shredding A4 paper

the same colour as
her fluffy dress.

11
Lady! Looking so intense
steadfast with scissors

white cataract,
that flows in a fall

on the ground a thin trickle
the eyes the path has chosen.

Who is the performer
what is her rendition?

I look at the asylum,
the closed blue windows.

‘Shredding’ is a penitence
it is a process that calms the mind.

iii
I look at the stone mansion
residential hospice, grey architecture..

There is a step ladder—
wooden and idyllic.

Is she in her right senses
serene and insane?

Any repeated action ought to
soothe the tumult within.

Her long flowing dress
colourless as her paper

What if it extends
to the crest

and she falls head down
across the ridge of the balcony?

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1534
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Paperfall

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 01 Mar 2020, 06:35

As I said before, I like the quiet restraint of this poem. Especially sections I and II. The third section doesn’t work as well. I am expecting it to tie in with the first 2 sections more clearly. The conclusion doesn’t seem to grow naturally out of what preceded it.

Should you go with just the first 2 sections? Or should you keep working on the last section? I would try to work the artist’s asylum history into the concluding section. That may be hard since there isn’t much that I can find on the artist’s personal story. Or maybe there is a third way?

I like the spare style that you have here. It works well with your subject matter. I look forward to any revisions.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1133
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Paperfall

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 01 Mar 2020, 20:47

Bob

I retained my original version.Is this any better?

S

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1534
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Paperfall

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 01 Mar 2020, 21:34

Between these two last stanzas I think you need another one, expanding on the artist herself, something personal and maybe disturbing...also, the cataract stanza that "falls in a flow"....cataract alone tells us it is plunging....so "falls in a flow" just repeats what we already know....maybe a white cataract of papery mist? Think about it.


I remember Sachico Abe
forget that this is a performance.

Is she in her right senses
serene and insane?

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1133
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Paperfall

#5 Post by SivaRamanathan » 01 Mar 2020, 21:58

B

I will hink about it when my head is clear.
Thanks
S

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