Alfred Sisley

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
BobBradshaw
Posts: 1529
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Alfred Sisley

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 26 Mar 2020, 07:22

V2:
Alfred Sisley

He painted his beloved rivers,
borrowing what money he could
for food, paints, brushes…

his name as forgotten
as a concealed layer
of paint.

Even as he was sick
with what his wife had died from,
cancer of the tongue,

he worked on trying to catch
the river’s changing colors,
its light fickle as fish.

Art magazines came to his town
like street corner gossip
eager to share the news

with his neighbors
of the scandalous brushwork
of Renoir and Monet.

How could Alfred compete
with their watery light, spilling
like purses onto canvasses—

their daubs of paint sparkling
like coins in sunlight?


V1:
Alfred Sisley

He painted his beloved rivers,
borrowing what money he could
for food, paints, brushes…

his name as forgotten
as a concealed layer
of paint.

Art magazines came to his town
like street corner gossip
eager to share the news

with his neighbors
of the scandalous brushwork
of Renoir and Monet.

How could Alfred compete
with their watery light, spilling
like purses onto canvasses—

their daubs of paint sparkling
like coins in sunlight?

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1129
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Alfred Sisley

#2 Post by SivaRamanathan » 26 Mar 2020, 20:43

It definely needs one more triolet on a positive note that will bring out the passion of Alfred Sisely. And the last couplet also need one more line, a 'volte (something)

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1529
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Alfred Sisley

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 26 Mar 2020, 22:25

Thanks, Siva...I have changed the poem per your suggestion....the last stanza doesn't need another line(imho)....as a general rule the last stanza can vary from the preceding stanzas' lines...it can add more lines or trim the number of lines ...thx for your help

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1129
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Alfred Sisley

#4 Post by SivaRamanathan » 27 Mar 2020, 09:45

Thanks for this funda.
Please read my reworked version of Paperfall.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1129
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Alfred Sisley

#5 Post by SivaRamanathan » 27 Mar 2020, 13:35

Bob
'thx for your help'
This is partaking.Not ' help' With my little understanding, and my Google Guru,I am able to get to appreciate your poem.Some poems however,I am at a loss.

Siva

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1529
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Alfred Sisley

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 27 Mar 2020, 20:41

You're too modest...but I don't see "Paperfall"....did you remove it?

Post Reply

Return to “Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang”