Fascinated by a little boy,
just eight ears old
who jumps on the bed
tumbles on the sofa
climbs the steps
in supersonic speed
cycles even more faster.
Fear and amazement
place me in a piquancy.
He is a bundle
of joy to behold
His eyes sparkle with mischief.
Animated, he is, so to say,
to contain him is next
to impossibility.
it will be a treason
to resist him. I allow
him to play as long as he wants
He returns exhausted
face flushed, perspiring a lot
drinks a jug full of water
his clothes drip,
his tongue red as fire
juts out, his eyelids gradually
close. Sleep enfolds.,
An incredible transition,
accelerated and inert, takes
place all too soon.
A Bundle of Joy
-
BobBradshaw
- Posts: 2692
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: A Bundle of Joy
The first stanza is a nice opening...lose these 2 telling lines though...
Fear and amazement
place me in a piquancy.
Trim these lines out as well, for the same reason
He is a bundle
of joy to behold
His eyes sparkle with mischief.
make impossibility impossible.
I like these lines in the closing stanza...especially the tongue red as fire
face flushed, perspiring a lot
drinks a jug full of water
his clothes drip,
his tongue red as fire
Try to say the closing 3 lines more informally, as you would in normal speech. The poem is close...just needs some trims and tweaks.
Fear and amazement
place me in a piquancy.
Trim these lines out as well, for the same reason
He is a bundle
of joy to behold
His eyes sparkle with mischief.
make impossibility impossible.
I like these lines in the closing stanza...especially the tongue red as fire
face flushed, perspiring a lot
drinks a jug full of water
his clothes drip,
his tongue red as fire
Try to say the closing 3 lines more informally, as you would in normal speech. The poem is close...just needs some trims and tweaks.