Vietnam Memorial

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Vietnam Memorial

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 02 Nov 2021, 05:51

Vietnam Memorial

I never knew Tommy,
my older brother. He was a name
Mom teared up over.

Mom said he was in heaven
looking down on us.
I had an image in my head

of heaven as a bridge
over a pond—
a bridge where Tommy sat,

gazing down at us
all dressed up on Sundays
with our faces bright, like koi.

Today Sis went with us
to meet Tommy. Her dress a pastel blue
like her favorite fish, the ochiba.

Ochiba is Japanese
for “leaves that have fallen”.
We searched for Tommy’s name

on that long black stream
of a wall. When Dad found it
he crumbled to his knees.

Mom, sobbing, left flowers
and a handwritten note
on the ground.

Our reflections
hovering together like koi
in the gleaming blackness,

we turned and drifted away,
Sis waving back.
The sky was filled

with cumulus, the clouds
like crumpled tissues being blown
about at the wall's
base.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Vietnam Memorial

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 09 Nov 2021, 18:36

Beautiful imagery.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Vietnam Memorial

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 09 Nov 2021, 22:08

Thanks, Ken

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

November 11, 2021 Re: Vietnam Memorial

#4 Post by Michael (MV) » 11 Nov 2021, 23:11

Hi Bob,

Although I first read this days ago, I reserved by response for today: in honor of Veterans Day. If there were to be a poetry reading at the Vietnam Memorial, yours Bob would be a worthy & ideal candidate. Here, on the home front, it is on my IBPC short list.

This family memoir-poem is anything but sentimental.

Admiral.


Most especially moved by this family simile:

Our reflections
hovering together like koi
in the gleaming blackness,



2 Workshop-shares:

1/
of heaven as a bridge
over a pond—
a bridge where Tommy sat

keeping guard, gazing down
at us all dressed up, Sundays,
with our faces bright, like koi.


2/
with cumulus, the clouds
like crumpled tissues
being blown about
at the wall's base

or

with cumulus, the clouds
like crumpled tissues being blown
about at the wall's
base line.


Bob, I salute you, poetry-master


8)

Michael (MV)

His Providence
like the son
returning Home

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Vietnam Memorial

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 13 Nov 2021, 22:29

Thanks, Michael. You are more than generous. I like your “keeping guard” suggestion. Best

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Vietnam Memorial

#6 Post by Billy » 23 Nov 2021, 20:52

I second or third this poem for nomination.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Vietnam Memorial

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 23 Nov 2021, 21:27

Thanks, Billy

Post Reply