Travelling out of town
a rarity in the last two years
when most of the days I stay home
doing all sorts of activities online.
Moved out for a week and a half
the roads seem new, so do the people walking
with masks covering the mouth and nose
with distraction, most wearing under the chin.
It is life once again bubbling with energy
apprehension of the deadly virus
wanes gradually and normalcy
is more or less back though demure.
I, for one a stickler to norms
going out for the first time
with gloves and mask perfectly adorned
sense a fear to mingle with the crowd.
Distancing myself from those around,
I resemble a mafia, my eyes roam
my hands turn fidgety as I clasp
and squeeze them with force.
II Resemble A Mafia
-
SivakamiVelliangiri
- Posts: 40
- Joined: 23 Jan 2022, 15:37
Re: II Resemble A Mafia
The last stanza alone makes a poem by itself. You don’ t need the rest.
S
S
-
BobBradshaw
- Posts: 2692
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: II Resemble A Mafia
I like the last stanza best too. I think much of this poem can be boiled down, reduced. For example
I, for one a stickler to norms
going out for the first time
with gloves and mask perfectly adorned
sense a fear to mingle with the crowd.
could become
I, for one a stickler to norms
go out for the first time
with gloves and mask.
Still I fear the crowd.
I, for one a stickler to norms
going out for the first time
with gloves and mask perfectly adorned
sense a fear to mingle with the crowd.
could become
I, for one a stickler to norms
go out for the first time
with gloves and mask.
Still I fear the crowd.
-
FranktheFrank
- Posts: 1988
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: II Resemble A Mafia
You are developing a range of poetry Meena
not afraid to widen your scope. All good stuff
to develop you skill.
You may wish to try 3rd person other than first
person making it not so personal.
You may also try writing longer critiques
writing critiques will develop your understanding of other poets' work.
It doesn't matter if you make errors, we all do, so why shouldn't you.
It will help you develop further. It takes courage and I don't think
you lack that.
At first I thought 'Mafioso' would be a better word than 'Mafia'
but on looking it up I find they are interchangeable, my individual
preference however, remains with 'Mafioso'.
I too sense that gangster in me when visiting the Coop shop for my newspaper.
'doing all sorts of activities online.' This line can be improved,
'doing' is such a mundane word for a poet. It's not a bad word per se,
but could you use a better word, a more accurate, or active word.
A word that would enhance the line or phrase.
not afraid to widen your scope. All good stuff
to develop you skill.
You may wish to try 3rd person other than first
person making it not so personal.
You may also try writing longer critiques
writing critiques will develop your understanding of other poets' work.
It doesn't matter if you make errors, we all do, so why shouldn't you.
It will help you develop further. It takes courage and I don't think
you lack that.
At first I thought 'Mafioso' would be a better word than 'Mafia'
but on looking it up I find they are interchangeable, my individual
preference however, remains with 'Mafioso'.
I too sense that gangster in me when visiting the Coop shop for my newspaper.
'doing all sorts of activities online.' This line can be improved,
'doing' is such a mundane word for a poet. It's not a bad word per se,
but could you use a better word, a more accurate, or active word.
A word that would enhance the line or phrase.