Ode to a Worn Rug
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- Posts: 2692
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Ode to a Worn Rug
V2:
Ode to a Worn Rug
To hide my naked head, I wear a rug
which mimics a dead cat.
Ah, how forgiving old age is!
No one wants to embarrass
an ambassador of dementia
by pointing to it.
I move through the markets
with my headdress of a cat,
chin up, haughty like a model
who’s graced the covers of Vogue
—my dead cat the latest
in Parisian headwear.
Still, I’m as alone
as a beggar with leaves
in his hair….
Ah, to have long tresses again,
mussed by a Greek chef, Zoe.
"Use olive oil," she advised,
"to keep your hair healthy."
Is that why I’m now alone?
It’s said love's
assured if you stroke
a spoonful of liquid gold
daily through your hair.
If only, darling chef,
wherever you
and your urges simmer,
I could again rate you
a five star lover.
Ah, Zoe,
why would God embarrass me,
stealing my hair,
a little by little, quietly—
the way he stole
my youth?
V1:
Hair Loss
To hide my naked head, I wear a rug
which mimics a dead cat.
Ah, how nice old age is!
No one wants to embarrass
the aged, or an ambassador
of dementia by pointing to it.
I move through the markets
with my headdress of a cat,
chin up, haughty like a model
who’s graced the covers of Vogue
—my dead cat the latest
in Parisian headwear.
Still, I’m as alone
as a beggar with leaves
in his hair….
Ah, to have long tresses again,
mussed by a Greek chef, Zoe.
"Use olive oil," she advised,
"to keep your hair healthy."
Is that why I’m now alone?
It’s said love's
assured if you stroke
a spoonful of liquid gold
daily through your hair.
If only, darling chef,
wherever you
and your urges simmer,
I could again rate you
a five star lover.
Why would God embarrass me,
stealing my hair,
a little by little, quietly—
the way he stole
my youth?
Ode to a Worn Rug
To hide my naked head, I wear a rug
which mimics a dead cat.
Ah, how forgiving old age is!
No one wants to embarrass
an ambassador of dementia
by pointing to it.
I move through the markets
with my headdress of a cat,
chin up, haughty like a model
who’s graced the covers of Vogue
—my dead cat the latest
in Parisian headwear.
Still, I’m as alone
as a beggar with leaves
in his hair….
Ah, to have long tresses again,
mussed by a Greek chef, Zoe.
"Use olive oil," she advised,
"to keep your hair healthy."
Is that why I’m now alone?
It’s said love's
assured if you stroke
a spoonful of liquid gold
daily through your hair.
If only, darling chef,
wherever you
and your urges simmer,
I could again rate you
a five star lover.
Ah, Zoe,
why would God embarrass me,
stealing my hair,
a little by little, quietly—
the way he stole
my youth?
V1:
Hair Loss
To hide my naked head, I wear a rug
which mimics a dead cat.
Ah, how nice old age is!
No one wants to embarrass
the aged, or an ambassador
of dementia by pointing to it.
I move through the markets
with my headdress of a cat,
chin up, haughty like a model
who’s graced the covers of Vogue
—my dead cat the latest
in Parisian headwear.
Still, I’m as alone
as a beggar with leaves
in his hair….
Ah, to have long tresses again,
mussed by a Greek chef, Zoe.
"Use olive oil," she advised,
"to keep your hair healthy."
Is that why I’m now alone?
It’s said love's
assured if you stroke
a spoonful of liquid gold
daily through your hair.
If only, darling chef,
wherever you
and your urges simmer,
I could again rate you
a five star lover.
Why would God embarrass me,
stealing my hair,
a little by little, quietly—
the way he stole
my youth?
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- Posts: 198
- Joined: 10 Dec 2023, 14:59
Re: Hair Loss
I think this is a very good poem. It reads well, smoothly, conversationally. Whatever critical thoughts I have of it are about individual lines.
"Hair Loss" isn't the most inspired title.
I understand what you're saying in this stanza, but it reads a little strange:
No one wants to embarrass
the aged, or an ambassador
of dementia by pointing to it.
Maybe you should remove the comma.
The third line of this stanza doesn't read well:
"to keep your hair healthy."
Is that why I’m now alone?
It’s said love's
How about this?
It is said that love
|
is assured if you stroke
Isn't olive oil a little green in color? Maybe not -- maybe I'm just remembering that it comes in a green bottle. If it's true that it is a little green, it occurred to me that I might call it "green gold" if I were writing this. (Just a thought to be ignored if you don't like it.)
I don't think you need "a" in this line:
a little by little, quietly—
The final stanza -- appealing to God -- doesn't sound inspired, but it is good enough.
Altogether, this is a good poem. You do these kinds of personal poems very well. The voice you use is human, relaxed and warm (as in sympathetic). I could definitely learn something from you, as my own writing is full of tension.
"Hair Loss" isn't the most inspired title.
I understand what you're saying in this stanza, but it reads a little strange:
No one wants to embarrass
the aged, or an ambassador
of dementia by pointing to it.
Maybe you should remove the comma.
The third line of this stanza doesn't read well:
"to keep your hair healthy."
Is that why I’m now alone?
It’s said love's
How about this?
It is said that love
|
is assured if you stroke
Isn't olive oil a little green in color? Maybe not -- maybe I'm just remembering that it comes in a green bottle. If it's true that it is a little green, it occurred to me that I might call it "green gold" if I were writing this. (Just a thought to be ignored if you don't like it.)
I don't think you need "a" in this line:
a little by little, quietly—
The final stanza -- appealing to God -- doesn't sound inspired, but it is good enough.
Altogether, this is a good poem. You do these kinds of personal poems very well. The voice you use is human, relaxed and warm (as in sympathetic). I could definitely learn something from you, as my own writing is full of tension.
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- Posts: 2692
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Hair Loss
Thanks, Caleb. I agree the title isn’t memorable. I’m open to suggestions, even wild funny ones….
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- Posts: 198
- Joined: 10 Dec 2023, 14:59
Re: Hair Loss
Now, don't be offended, but sometimes when I read someone else's poem enough times, I start wanting to revise it as if it were mine. I've already made some suggestions. Still, if this were my poem I would make these changes:
Walking the Cat
To hide my naked head, I wear a rug
which mimics a feline thing.
Ah, how forgiving old age is!
No one wants to embarrass
this ambassador of the demented
by pointing it out.
(No suggestions for the next two stanzas.)
Walking the Cat
To hide my naked head, I wear a rug
which mimics a feline thing.
Ah, how forgiving old age is!
No one wants to embarrass
this ambassador of the demented
by pointing it out.
(No suggestions for the next two stanzas.)
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- Posts: 2692
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Ode to a Rug
Thanks for your comments, Caleb. I’ve tweaked the poem.
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- Posts: 198
- Joined: 10 Dec 2023, 14:59
Re: Ode to a Rug
Not sure why you are attached to this line. It's the biggest problem in the poem:
It’s said love's
Even this would be better:
It’s said love's assured
Contractions can be very poetic if they're used right. I don't see the reason here.
It’s said love's
Even this would be better:
It’s said love's assured
Contractions can be very poetic if they're used right. I don't see the reason here.
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- Posts: 2692
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Ode to a Rug
It's just the way I hear it spoken....I did change the title, and work forgiveness into a line, per your suggestions....enjoy new year's!
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- Posts: 2157
- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: Ode to a Rug
An early Healthy & Happy New Year to you, Bob,
and Bravo & Congrats on your recent Recognition as Poet of the Month in The Wise Owl:
https://www.thewiseowl.art/bob-bradshaw
In my reading of your poem here, I believe you have found the right title - à là Neruda with humor.
Perhaps I may return to this poem with further workshopping.
It has been a blessing to workshop through the years with you, a veteran poet - I hope & look forward to seeing you and all the other veterans continue here - along with returnees and newcomers, too
To the WB, Cheers
Michael (MV)
and Bravo & Congrats on your recent Recognition as Poet of the Month in The Wise Owl:
https://www.thewiseowl.art/bob-bradshaw
In my reading of your poem here, I believe you have found the right title - à là Neruda with humor.
Perhaps I may return to this poem with further workshopping.
It has been a blessing to workshop through the years with you, a veteran poet - I hope & look forward to seeing you and all the other veterans continue here - along with returnees and newcomers, too
To the WB, Cheers
Michael (MV)
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- Posts: 2157
- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: Ode to a Rug
See here, I have returned; and I had no idea it would be so spontaneously - but when my entry moved the thread to the top, I suddenly heard & saw these words:
Ode to a worn rug
Michael (MV)
Ode to a worn rug
Michael (MV)
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- Posts: 2692
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Ode to a Rug
Thanks, Michael. I like the worn rug suggestion. I will change the title.
It’s been a lot of fun for me as well working with so many talented poets…. The enjoyment of reading so many good poems at this site has been a literary blessing.
Enjoy the new year… all of it!
Bob
It’s been a lot of fun for me as well working with so many talented poets…. The enjoyment of reading so many good poems at this site has been a literary blessing.
Enjoy the new year… all of it!
Bob