Baying at the Moon edit 2

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FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Baying at the Moon edit 2

#1 Post by FrankDyer » 10 Aug 2012, 03:33

Change the topic
What's the topic got to do with it?
Change the clique
Agree and grin

Grin and bear it
the in-crowd
Only it costs to be part of them

Individuality comes at a cost
rapid thought processes
some unstable

Debate
but agree to disagree
a cliche

They get angry
mistate your views
pigeon-hole you

Only they got their wires crossed
The burned Joan didn't they?
Hung her out on her own gibet

Why don't you fit in?
What's wrong with you
Peace

But not at any cost

At one time in the British prison system
Governors and planners
Arranged their prisons so that
prisoners were seperated throughout
the day and night.

This system brought peace
there were no fights, no arguments
and to all extents and purposes
the prisoners had time to contemplate

It was only after three years into this new system
that its flaws were revealed
and it was abandoned

Most of the inmates had
become raving lunatics.

The governors prefered their prisoners to
act as normal human beings so that they engaged in
:arguments, fueds, rows, fights, discussions and riots.

Better riots than a thousand howling
madmen baying at the moon.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Baying at the Moon

#2 Post by SivaRamanathan » 10 Aug 2012, 05:47

Frank
read this through.But it needs more readings.

Most of the inmates had
bec(o)[a]me raving lunatics.

The last couplet fascinates me.What a nice way it would be, if you began with those lines.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1654
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Baying at the Moon

#3 Post by Michael (MV) » 11 Aug 2012, 19:10

Hi Frank,

Upon a 1st read-thru:

interesting what this says; but it is telling it, saying it, instead of showing.

Poetry reveals.


Example:

"Most of the inmates had
became raving lunatics."

^^ show w/ specification. what did they do, say. dramatize the experience with details - props, dialog

Then, "Most of the inmates had / became raving lunatics" will reveal itself to the spectator-reader.


in the spirit of workshopping

8)

Michael (MV)


 

 

 

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Baying at the Moon

#4 Post by SivaRamanathan » 11 Aug 2012, 19:53

Frank
Forgive me for this nonsense,but I could not resist.


Better riots than a thousand howling
madmen baying at the moon;

They burned Joan, didn't they
hung her out on her own gibbet, long ago
didn't they?

I assumed that each was in his own cell
grinning from his own pigeon hole
going about with his own antics
trying to pull off the iron bars with his beard
searching for his tail,
experimenting with his vocal chords
thinking that the roof was the floor,the floor the roof
tasting loneliness like his own saline yellow urine
not even thinking of basic sanitation.
So that, the government (had to) intervened---
re-arranged those arguments, feuds, rows, fights,
discussions and riots that helped keep
men as men; sane and human.

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Baying at the Moon

#5 Post by FrankDyer » 12 Aug 2012, 01:59

Thanks both, some room for thought there from me.

I wondered if this poem is good enugh to go forward for the next IB thing?

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Baying at the Moon edit 1

#6 Post by SivaRamanathan » 12 Aug 2012, 20:55

I wondered if this poem is good enugh to go forward for the next IB thing?

Frank
Why would you want that? It is but at the larva stage.This poem has to not merely grow, but transform itself, before it can sprout wings and fly.
When we write a poem we do it out of sheer necessity,because the words will not remain within us.And once written
it is our duty to tend and nourish it,not abandon like aborted babies.
Never ever write with the intention of sending it to a competition.Write because you have to.All poems cannot be winners.Even if it is a winner it does not mean anything.At that point in time somebody liked it enough to say that it is better than the rest.
I was shocked to see that line Frank.It reminded me of Oliver Twist.''Please sir,can I have some more.''
I am being cruel to be kind.What matters is your poem.Perfect it first without any other thought in your head.When you feel that you can add no more, or eliminate nothing else, then let it speak for itself.
I wish you all the luck with the work shopping.

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Baying at the Moon edit 1

#7 Post by FrankDyer » 13 Aug 2012, 01:16

UHm Siva, the whole purpose of this forum is to encourage writers to publish thier work. In fact, one of the conditons of memebrship is that the poet is serious about his work and intends to be published. I have been posting work on here for 3 years and have one poem nominated. I find nothing wrong in asking if this is good enough for that competiton. I consider the poem ready for publication. But of course, you may all disagree

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Baying at the Moon edit 1

#8 Post by SivaRamanathan » 13 Aug 2012, 09:47

Frank
Please don't misunderstand.This poem has potential.Just don't give up on the editing.
I consider the poem ready for publication.
I know when a poem is ready for nomination.At least I know when a poem is a poem, and this just isn't.

The second part reads like this

At one time in the British prison system Governors and planners,arranged their prisons so that.prisoners were seperated throughout the day and night.
This system brought peace there were no fights, no arguments and to all extents and purposes the prisoners had time to contemplate
It was only after three years into this new system that its flaws were revealed and it was abandoned (as)most of the inmates had become raving lunatics.
The governors prefered their prisoners to act as normal human beings so that they engaged in:arguments, fueds, rows, fights, discussions and riots.

The first part of the poem is in miserable jagged sentences.Something like a stearm of consciousness.Your thought on the issue put up in hi cupping phrases. Pedantic.
The actual poem begins with these lines.

Only they got their wires crossed
The burned Joan didn't they
Hung her out on her own gibbet

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Baying at the Moon edit 1

#9 Post by SivaRamanathan » 13 Aug 2012, 19:09

Frank
The whole 'poem' is very prosaic.There are snatches of poetry here and there. You are not inside the soul of the poem.It sounds like reportage.
Please don't give up trying.I have not even kept a copy of the original poem so I do not know where you have edited.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Baying at the Moon edit 1

#10 Post by SivaRamanathan » 16 Aug 2012, 06:29

Frank
I am merely trying to push this up,meaning raise it to the top of the forum.

The burned Joan didn't they(They burnt Joan,didn't they?

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Baying at the Moon edit 2

#11 Post by SivaRamanathan » 28 Aug 2012, 12:03

Frank
This whole chunk reads very prosaic. If you do not want to work on it please post another poem.

At one time in the British prison system
Governors and planners
Arranged their prisons so that
prisoners were seperated throughout
the day and night.

This system brought peace
there were no fights, no arguments
and to all extents and purposes
the prisoners had time to contemplate

It was only after three years into this new system
that its flaws were revealed
and it was abandoned

Most of the inmates had
become raving lunatics.

The governors prefered their prisoners to
act as normal human beings so that they engaged in
:arguments, fueds, rows, fights, discussions and riots.


Siva

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