Surrogate
I am confused by this new source of sustenance,
maybe it merits my reprieve, perhaps not.
Now I drop everything and stand up and sit down
and I frown because I need it but I don't.
So I go to the toilet instead but Nothing comes out.
I walk away half-dressed without the will
to button-up, so I sit down instead again.
I think about raiding the fridge
but I know there's nothing in it.
Nothing begins and Nothing is left.
Rampant inhalation with its blue glow
pays all I know to so much smoke.
I'm new and I expect you to hurt me, so please don't hold back.
Surrogate
-
- Posts: 2154
- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: Surrogate
Welcome Woetrame
Upon a 1st read thru:
This line really resonates with this reader-writer:
"Nothing begins and Nothing is left."
the Universal chord - echoes of ashes to ashes, dust to dust
^^ thus could br read/viewed as a Vanitas poem
I like the title, and it prompts me to suggest that a variation of the phrase
"takes the place of" could be scripted in. A couple of workshop studies:
Nothing begins and nothing is left.
Nothing takes the place of nothing.
Nothing begins and nothing is left
taking the place of nothing
Formally: Although 12 lines, the poem articulates sonnet-like.
And it's help, not "hurt" - that's what workshops are for
Michael (MV)
Upon a 1st read thru:
This line really resonates with this reader-writer:
"Nothing begins and Nothing is left."
the Universal chord - echoes of ashes to ashes, dust to dust
^^ thus could br read/viewed as a Vanitas poem
I like the title, and it prompts me to suggest that a variation of the phrase
"takes the place of" could be scripted in. A couple of workshop studies:
Nothing begins and nothing is left.
Nothing takes the place of nothing.
Nothing begins and nothing is left
taking the place of nothing
Formally: Although 12 lines, the poem articulates sonnet-like.
And it's help, not "hurt" - that's what workshops are for
Michael (MV)
-
- Posts: 1168
- Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Re: Surrogate
Hi Woetrame
I like this line
'Rampant inhalation with its blue glow', but then again the next line throws me off. There are too many ‘I’s and it is a burden.try striking out the I’s first and also the ,’so’s,’ it will be helpful.
What is the need to capitalize this ‘nothing’?
'So I go to the toilet instead but Nothing comes out.'
The title is good.I do not think there is a need to say you are confused,you have shown it.
I like this line
'Rampant inhalation with its blue glow', but then again the next line throws me off. There are too many ‘I’s and it is a burden.try striking out the I’s first and also the ,’so’s,’ it will be helpful.
What is the need to capitalize this ‘nothing’?
'So I go to the toilet instead but Nothing comes out.'
The title is good.I do not think there is a need to say you are confused,you have shown it.
Re: Surrogate
It is a poem, did nothing for me. We don't just want to hurt you, the pain and suffering are just by-products of our resposes. I hope this did not hurt too much.
Re: Surrogate
Thanks Frank, possibly the most honest response I've ever received. Stick around.