The Sparrows Sing (revision)

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capricorn
Posts: 121
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

The Sparrows Sing (revision)

#1 Post by capricorn » 16 Nov 2017, 04:21

The Sparrows Sing (slight trim & quatrains)

Smitten by your freckled face and slender form
but not fooled by that innocent appearance,
I recognised a feisty female lurked, unafraid
to fight the girls encroaching on your territory.

You were a flirt, wooed by a father and son
– the junior we nicknamed Toy Boy
Mesmerised by their dancing and seductive
love bites, you soon became a mother.

Life’s tree is now uprooted, your family foliage
a profusion of blooms. Toy Boy has moved
into your vacant flat, while you probably romp
with his father, your first love, in paradise.

Shrouded in tissue paper, your frail body is laid
in a cardboard coffin. Beneath the mock orange,
I dig deep, where worms and woodlice prepared
the soil to receive you. Nearby two sparrows sing;

I hear a lament for you, Lizzie Lulu –
Leopard Gecko.


---------------------------------
The Sparrows Sing

I was smitten by your freckled face
and slender form, but not fooled
by your innocent appearance.
I recognised a feisty female lurked
unafraid to fight the girls
from your territory.

You were a flirt, soon losing
your virginity to become a mother.
Pursued by two suitors;
a father and son - the junior
nick-named Toy Boy.

Life's tree is now uprooted - yet
your family foliage is a profusion
of blooms. Toy Boy has moved
into your vacant flat, while
you probably romp in paradise
with your first love - his father.

Shrouded in tissue paper,
your frail body is gently laid
in a cardboard coffin.
Beneath the mock orange tree,
I dig deep, where worms and woodlice
prepared soil to receive you.
Sparrows sing as I lowered the box;
I hear a lament for you, Lizzie Lulu,
Leopard Gecko.

Bernie01
Posts: 780
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: The Sparrows Sing

#2 Post by Bernie01 » 16 Nov 2017, 05:29

C---


you fooled me, i thought this was a human drama, but your account not only surprised, but pleased with all the original details you flawlessly added.

...but not fooled
by your innocent appearance.


You were a flirt, soon losing
your virginity (WOULD "FEATHERS" WORK A LITTLE BETTER?
to become a mother.
Pursued by two suitors;
a father and son - the junior
nick-named Toy Boy.

Life's tree is now uprooted -

(SWEET)



your family foliage is a profusion
of blooms.

WHAT A WONDERFUL IMAGE


Toy Boy has moved
into your vacant flat, while
you probably romp in paradise
with your first love - his father.

Shrouded in tissue paper,
your frail body is gently laid
in a cardboard coffin.


HOW TENDER AND RESPECTFUL


Beneath the mock orange tree,
I dig deep, where worms and woodlice
prepared soil to receive you.
Sparrows sing as I lowered the box;




I hear a lament for you, Lizzie Lulu,
Leopard Gecko.


LOVE THIS LYRICAL CLOSE.


You rascal.


bernie

Kenneth2816
Posts: 752
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: The Sparrows Sing

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 16 Nov 2017, 10:07

Clever but not gimmicky. I enjoy poems that dont give it all away in the beginning. We know our pets are part human
and they know we are part animal, and thus we bond.

You bring that to light in this piece.

I dont see anything i would suggest by way or revision,
from what ive come to know of you, the revisions yoy make on your own are better than most offer.

This is the second majestic poem about a lost pet.
They both rock Eira.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 915
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Sparrows Sing

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 19 Nov 2017, 22:01

I love how you flirt with the reader, teasing us with the human qualities of your gecko...the opening is so strong...it's a very engaging piece.

was smitten by your freckled face
and slender form, but not fooled
by your innocent appearance.

Gracy321
Posts: 98
Joined: 19 Sep 2017, 09:10
Location: Argentina
Contact:

Re: The Sparrows Sing

#5 Post by Gracy321 » 22 Nov 2017, 10:43

You really fooled me, Eira. I was sure you were writing a poem about some shocking incest and other disgraceful behavior.
Most of all, you've never written anything of that sort, so my mind was all confused until the last stanza... LOL.
Really enjoyed, a deftly written piece with some lovely imagery. And the tenderness shown in the final stanza is exemplary. I don't think I could love geckos, but I do remember caring for an amazing collection of lovely tropical fish, but that included an ugly, slimy creature that stayed at the bottom and was the "cleaner" of the community in that large, glass environment.

"Shrouded in tissue paper,
your frail body is gently laid
in a cardboard coffin.
Beneath the mock orange tree,
I dig deep, where worms and woodlice
prepared soil to receive you.
Sparrows sing as I lowered the box;
I hear a lament for you, Lizzie Lulu,
Leopard Gecko."


Congrats, Gracy

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1290
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: The Sparrows Sing

#6 Post by FranktheFrank » 22 Nov 2017, 23:32

I think this is ready to go out Eira.
I don't think you need capitalise gecko,
unless you use it as a name.

SivaVelliangiri
Posts: 141
Joined: 09 Jul 2017, 06:34

Re: The Sparrows Sing

#7 Post by SivaVelliangiri » 23 Nov 2017, 01:54

Each stanza unravels slowly and here is a poem to be much liked.

S

capricorn
Posts: 121
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: The Sparrows Sing (revision)

#8 Post by capricorn » 23 Nov 2017, 03:01

Hi Bernie - so glad I fooled you!

I've written a revision, so I hope I haven't spoiled it!

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 121
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: The Sparrows Sing

#9 Post by capricorn » 23 Nov 2017, 03:05

Kenneth2816 wrote:Clever but not gimmicky. I enjoy poems that dont give it all away in the beginning. We know our pets are part human
and they know we are part animal, and thus we bond.

You bring that to light in this piece.

I dont see anything i would suggest by way or revision,
from what ive come to know of you, the revisions yoy make on your own are better than most offer.

This is the second majestic poem about a lost pet.
They both rock Eira.
Thanks for your encouraging reply, Kenneth. I have revised so hope the changes are better. This is an old one I've dragged out of the back of the drawer for an airing. After a break I can often see things slightly differently.

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 121
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: The Sparrows Sing

#10 Post by capricorn » 23 Nov 2017, 03:07

BobBradshaw wrote:I love how you flirt with the reader, teasing us with the human qualities of your gecko...the opening is so strong...it's a very engaging piece.

was smitten by your freckled face
and slender form, but not fooled
by your innocent appearance.
Thank you Bob. I have really loved writing this.
Eira

capricorn
Posts: 121
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: The Sparrows Sing

#11 Post by capricorn » 23 Nov 2017, 03:16

Gracy321 wrote:You really fooled me, Eira. I was sure you were writing a poem about some shocking incest and other disgraceful behavior.
Most of all, you've never written anything of that sort, so my mind was all confused until the last stanza... LOL.
Really enjoyed, a deftly written piece with some lovely imagery. And the tenderness shown in the final stanza is exemplary. I don't think I could love geckos, but I do remember caring for an amazing collection of lovely tropical fish, but that included an ugly, slimy creature that stayed at the bottom and was the "cleaner" of the community in that large, glass environment.

Congrats, Gracy
Haha! I bet you were wondering what had happened to me! :shock:

Russ has cold water fish and 2 weather loach that are the cleaners. They are a bit slug like! I think you'd like leopard geckos more than you think. They are quite cute - but I am biased - and friendly.

I have had so many nice comments on this I hope the revision has improved it. :roll:

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 121
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: The Sparrows Sing

#12 Post by capricorn » 23 Nov 2017, 03:19

FranktheFrank wrote:I think this is ready to go out Eira.
I don't think you need capitalise gecko,
unless you use it as a name.
Thanks Frank - I'm beginning to wonder why I revised this as I've had all good comments!

I think you are right about gecko - will change that.

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 121
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: The Sparrows Sing

#13 Post by capricorn » 23 Nov 2017, 03:20

SivaVelliangiri wrote:Each stanza unravels slowly and here is a poem to be much liked.

S
Thank you Siva - glad you liked this.
Eira

Bernie01
Posts: 780
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: The Sparrows Sing (revision)

#14 Post by Bernie01 » 23 Nov 2017, 05:27

C---

i like the revised second verse---and the longer lines.


good thinking.


bernie

Kenneth2816
Posts: 752
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: The Sparrows Sing (revision)

#15 Post by Kenneth2816 » 23 Nov 2017, 06:59

I felt like youd tweak this....fine job.

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