Naming The Beasts. Revised
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Naming The Beasts. Revised
In the beginning he had no frame
of progeny, no personal history.
Just a man, new-made,
risen from mud, alone.
Glimpses of them in the underbrush,
foraging the tall grasses, tops of trees,
The sun blotted for a time with the thickness of wings,
the underbrush alive with their teaming,
Creatures like him insomuch
that they moved, lived,
and breathed, but crawled or walked on four legs.
And yet they knew
to keep a distance.
At night he could hear their breathing, catch the glint of an eye caught in fire light.
At dusk he struck a fire for light,
the moon not being yet full, sat back
on his haunches beneath a tree and waited.
They came silently limb-to-limb and by air.
Some lumbered or crawled, walked
by two's to present themselves to the man,
lay down at his feet
bent their necks
for fear had
not yet entered into the world.
The man studied each face, probed it
with his fingers as a blind man does,
stroked muzzles, snouts, manes,scales
and tail in order to discern each
creature's measure of the Divine.
He was moved by their beauty, their perfection.
He stood an pronounced its name,
strking the earth with a stick:
Thunders when walking
Carries young on it's back
Runs in circles
Drops down from above
Fire from its tongue
At first light, it was finished.
The man lay exhausted, thinking
perhaps he had failed, for he knew a sense
of forlorness that was alien.
Seeing that each creature had a mate,
He thought inwardly, "birds have nests,
foxes have holes, but the man
has no breast upon which to lay his head."
And he wept himself into a deep sleep.
of progeny, no personal history.
Just a man, new-made,
risen from mud, alone.
Glimpses of them in the underbrush,
foraging the tall grasses, tops of trees,
The sun blotted for a time with the thickness of wings,
the underbrush alive with their teaming,
Creatures like him insomuch
that they moved, lived,
and breathed, but crawled or walked on four legs.
And yet they knew
to keep a distance.
At night he could hear their breathing, catch the glint of an eye caught in fire light.
At dusk he struck a fire for light,
the moon not being yet full, sat back
on his haunches beneath a tree and waited.
They came silently limb-to-limb and by air.
Some lumbered or crawled, walked
by two's to present themselves to the man,
lay down at his feet
bent their necks
for fear had
not yet entered into the world.
The man studied each face, probed it
with his fingers as a blind man does,
stroked muzzles, snouts, manes,scales
and tail in order to discern each
creature's measure of the Divine.
He was moved by their beauty, their perfection.
He stood an pronounced its name,
strking the earth with a stick:
Thunders when walking
Carries young on it's back
Runs in circles
Drops down from above
Fire from its tongue
At first light, it was finished.
The man lay exhausted, thinking
perhaps he had failed, for he knew a sense
of forlorness that was alien.
Seeing that each creature had a mate,
He thought inwardly, "birds have nests,
foxes have holes, but the man
has no breast upon which to lay his head."
And he wept himself into a deep sleep.
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- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Naming The Beasts. Revised
I like the retelling of this naming of the beasts...many excellent lines...it's a big challenge what you're attempting....
he could hear their breathing, catch the glint of an eye caught in fire light
he could hear their breathing, catch the glint of an eye caught in fire light
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- Posts: 1619
- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: Naming The Beasts. Revised
I know it's big. This is my second revision. It may just be flash fiction
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- Posts: 1987
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Naming The Beasts. Revised
It's the way I would put it forward.
I think it's poetry, not flash fiction.
I wouldn't change much, if anything at all.
Be careful with any revisions, quite marvellous.
The last S is Biblical
completes the poem,
prophetic.
I think it's poetry, not flash fiction.
I wouldn't change much, if anything at all.
Be careful with any revisions, quite marvellous.
The last S is Biblical
completes the poem,
prophetic.
Re: Naming The Beasts. Revised
Ken---
utterly stunning.
change nothing.
bernie
utterly stunning.
change nothing.
bernie
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- Posts: 1987
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Naming The Beasts. Revised
Ken
You may wish to tinker with this:
made in the image of God, perfect and holy.
So maybe:
A man, risen from the mud,
alone, made in the image
of his maker.
A suggestion.
You may wish to tinker with this:
Not just a man, but a new, wonderfully made creationJust a man, new-made,
risen from mud, alone.
made in the image of God, perfect and holy.
So maybe:
A man, risen from the mud,
alone, made in the image
of his maker.
A suggestion.
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- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: Naming The Beasts. Revised
Frank, I'll think on it.
Thanks
Thanks